Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Vacation...
So, I'm going out of town for two weeks. We'll see how this goes. I'm not particularly excited, but I'm sure when we get there, it'll be great. I just can't shake this weird bad feeling like this is the calm before the storm. Well, let's just pray I get home in one piece and everything will work out well for Warped Tour. Well, anyway, vacation means very limited (basically no) internet connection, and limited phone use as well. I'm not complaining, just saying. Feeling like I'm being zapped back to the 90s. Jkjk.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Mostly Useless
I wanted to mark my progress.
Done:
Day 6 - A stranger
Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 25 - The person you know is going through the worst of times
Day 29 - The person you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid to.
Left To Do:
Day 1 - Your Best Friend
Day 2 - Your Crush
Day 3 - Your parents
Day 4 - Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 - Your Dreams
Day 7 - Your Ex-Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Crush/Love
Day 8 - Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 - Someone You Wish You Could Meet
Day 11 - A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To
Day 12 - The Person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15- The person you miss the most
Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood
Day 18 - The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad
Day 20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 - The last person you kissed
Day 24 - The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 - Someone that changed your life
Day 30 - Your reflection in the mirror
Done:
Day 6 - A stranger
Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 25 - The person you know is going through the worst of times
Day 29 - The person you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid to.
Left To Do:
Day 1 - Your Best Friend
Day 2 - Your Crush
Day 3 - Your parents
Day 4 - Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 - Your Dreams
Day 7 - Your Ex-Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Crush/Love
Day 8 - Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 - Someone You Wish You Could Meet
Day 11 - A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To
Day 12 - The Person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15- The person you miss the most
Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood
Day 18 - The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad
Day 20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 - The last person you kissed
Day 24 - The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 - Someone that changed your life
Day 30 - Your reflection in the mirror
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Tired, Just Tired
I'm tired of people just giving up. It's all becoming too much. Sometimes I just wish I could just sit in my closet all damn day. Give up on them for a change. But it wouldn't make a difference. I've been giving up for a while now. I'm just tired of this. I guess I'm too much of spoiled brat to realize that I should be waking up.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Day 29 Letter
Excuse me miss,
You do this for a living, don't you? So, you must know what you're doing. I put so much faith in you. I wanted you to save me. But I still hurt so badly. And you can't do anything now. I wanted help. I needed it so badly, but I can't ask anymore. I can't ask for it now. Why couldn't you fix me?
You do this for a living, don't you? So, you must know what you're doing. I put so much faith in you. I wanted you to save me. But I still hurt so badly. And you can't do anything now. I wanted help. I needed it so badly, but I can't ask anymore. I can't ask for it now. Why couldn't you fix me?
Day 6 Letter
Hey you,
You think it's okay to look at me and judge me. Because of people like you, I feel like I have to be so damn careful about myself. Because of people like you, I used to hate myself and where I came from. Do you know what it's like to feel like you're not good enough because of how you look? To feel like you're not worthy. Because of people like you, I have to write a damn book, and honestly, that wouldn't even be difficult BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU. I understand that you must feel pain, or hear things constantly, a coping mechanism for things you don't understand, and I try to justify your actions with that, but it still hurts. I can't believe that because of people like you, I can't even stop at a damn red light, without a bunch of kids in the school bus in front of me yelling things at me, making fun of me for being a "towelhead", oh, and having my life-threatened on the schoolbus, and if I hear the words, "they're so uneducated, he's not even Muslim" I'm gonna be pissed. Sure, you shouldn't stare at the Indian guy thinking he's a terrorist, and sure you're stupid cuz he's not Muslim, but just because I am, doesn't mean I'm any more deserving to be discriminated against. My mom won't even let me wear a head scarf in public, because she's scared of how people will treat me. I still can't feel comfortable looking at myself in the mirror, or wondering what people are thinking of me and my family, but I'm stronger now. So, when you hear me make terrorist jokes about myself, don't think it makes it okay. It's not. But this is who I am now, who I have to be, because if I can't make light out of it, I would barely be able to make it through a day. I will never be a blue eyed, blonde Barbie doll, but I'm also not a side-show freak, so you there, stop making me feel worse about myself, because you don't know me. You don't know my decisions. And no matter who you think you are, you will never understand what I've been through because of people like you.
You think it's okay to look at me and judge me. Because of people like you, I feel like I have to be so damn careful about myself. Because of people like you, I used to hate myself and where I came from. Do you know what it's like to feel like you're not good enough because of how you look? To feel like you're not worthy. Because of people like you, I have to write a damn book, and honestly, that wouldn't even be difficult BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU. I understand that you must feel pain, or hear things constantly, a coping mechanism for things you don't understand, and I try to justify your actions with that, but it still hurts. I can't believe that because of people like you, I can't even stop at a damn red light, without a bunch of kids in the school bus in front of me yelling things at me, making fun of me for being a "towelhead", oh, and having my life-threatened on the schoolbus, and if I hear the words, "they're so uneducated, he's not even Muslim" I'm gonna be pissed. Sure, you shouldn't stare at the Indian guy thinking he's a terrorist, and sure you're stupid cuz he's not Muslim, but just because I am, doesn't mean I'm any more deserving to be discriminated against. My mom won't even let me wear a head scarf in public, because she's scared of how people will treat me. I still can't feel comfortable looking at myself in the mirror, or wondering what people are thinking of me and my family, but I'm stronger now. So, when you hear me make terrorist jokes about myself, don't think it makes it okay. It's not. But this is who I am now, who I have to be, because if I can't make light out of it, I would barely be able to make it through a day. I will never be a blue eyed, blonde Barbie doll, but I'm also not a side-show freak, so you there, stop making me feel worse about myself, because you don't know me. You don't know my decisions. And no matter who you think you are, you will never understand what I've been through because of people like you.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Tales of Packrat...
...going through one of my old notebooks I find this...
Every day, every day, every day
She cries, she cries, she cries
Every day, every day, every day
She'll try, she'll try, she tries
They all expect her to be nice and warm all of the time
All they're really doing is making her cold inside her heart
She wants to block them out, so she just pulls away
Now she's just like them, and that's the saddest part.
She will dance and act like ti's okay
And she will twirl to get out of this place
She will sing and hope it sets her free
She can draw because she knows you'll never see
It's just impossible to learn how to believe.
I can't believe I wrote this. It's so pointless. For so long, I was one of those girls.
Every day, every day, every day
She cries, she cries, she cries
Every day, every day, every day
She'll try, she'll try, she tries
They all expect her to be nice and warm all of the time
All they're really doing is making her cold inside her heart
She wants to block them out, so she just pulls away
Now she's just like them, and that's the saddest part.
She will dance and act like ti's okay
And she will twirl to get out of this place
She will sing and hope it sets her free
She can draw because she knows you'll never see
It's just impossible to learn how to believe.
I can't believe I wrote this. It's so pointless. For so long, I was one of those girls.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Day 25 Letter
Dear You,
You think that no one really wants you, and maybe that's sorta true, but it's really not your fault, even if we all act like it is. You're the easiest target, a scape goat really, and that causes resentment, but I'm sure that even if you can understand, it's really no worthy excuse. I wish that I, or anyone, could save you, carry you to the land of butterflies and flowers, stress-free, the way it's supposed to be, but I can't. We can't. You're too guarded, too tangled, deep in all the hate, and the selfishness, and the pain that we don't know how to fight through to get to you. So, there you are, almost lost to us. A shame really.
.Turtle.
You think that no one really wants you, and maybe that's sorta true, but it's really not your fault, even if we all act like it is. You're the easiest target, a scape goat really, and that causes resentment, but I'm sure that even if you can understand, it's really no worthy excuse. I wish that I, or anyone, could save you, carry you to the land of butterflies and flowers, stress-free, the way it's supposed to be, but I can't. We can't. You're too guarded, too tangled, deep in all the hate, and the selfishness, and the pain that we don't know how to fight through to get to you. So, there you are, almost lost to us. A shame really.
.Turtle.
Can old dogs learn new tricks?
People could be so much happier if they could learn to just let some things go. Some things are important and life-changing, I realize that, but most things that people stress over are so useless, just a waste of time. Stop being so negetive, please, it rubs off on everyone around you when we just want to enjoy ourselves.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
"Fear of Flying"
---I love A Rocket to the Moon---
Lately it seems like I have more regret than anything else. Maybe I should just let things go, but I can't, so I'm just filled with regret. In searching for so much more I miss what's in front of me. I've stolen this from my brain twin, but just like her, I don't follow rules. I wonder what we'll learn from Ms. Turtle.
30Letters: 30 Days
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Lately it seems like I have more regret than anything else. Maybe I should just let things go, but I can't, so I'm just filled with regret. In searching for so much more I miss what's in front of me. I've stolen this from my brain twin, but just like her, I don't follow rules. I wonder what we'll learn from Ms. Turtle.
30Letters: 30 Days
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Friday, May 28, 2010
"Mouth Shut"
---I love The Veronicas---
It's supposed to be hard to keep secrets, but when it's something you're ashamed of, it can sometimes be the easiest thing in the world.
Shame is different than guilt. Guilt indicates regret. It spills from your lips, begs to be drained from your pores, so you can be rid of it. You genuinely wish the act that has created it had never been commited. A secret drenched in guilt is the hardest to keep, because something within you just wants to expell it. Let it be gone forever, let it never be back. Shame is different than guilt.
Shame is different than guilt. Shame leads to awkward silences, no words at all. Shame is desire. When guilt begs to be freed, shame wants to fade and hide away. No words, no words. Shame is the secret, so by not speaking, the secret is not created, it is maintained. What is shame? What? So naive now? You've felt it. Something so wrong, you knwo you shouldn't have done it, thought it, felt it, but honestly, something in you enjoys it, or doesn't want it to change. You know it's wrong, but you don't feel it, you can't convince yourself to believe it. If you want it so bad, and it feels so good, why is it wrong? Why should you stop? If you know it was the only option, and you wouldn't take it back, why is it wrong? Why confess? If it's so wrong, but you believe in it so much, what's wrong with you?
So this one is all my own. A guilty pleasure so deep, it's not for my brain twin, not for Nadine. For me and for God. I don't want to give it up, and He knows where it ends, so no need for sharing now. For now, it's just our little secret.
...You thought you knew me but you don't, you say you'll love me but you wont, when you find out who I am...
It's supposed to be hard to keep secrets, but when it's something you're ashamed of, it can sometimes be the easiest thing in the world.
Shame is different than guilt. Guilt indicates regret. It spills from your lips, begs to be drained from your pores, so you can be rid of it. You genuinely wish the act that has created it had never been commited. A secret drenched in guilt is the hardest to keep, because something within you just wants to expell it. Let it be gone forever, let it never be back. Shame is different than guilt.
Shame is different than guilt. Shame leads to awkward silences, no words at all. Shame is desire. When guilt begs to be freed, shame wants to fade and hide away. No words, no words. Shame is the secret, so by not speaking, the secret is not created, it is maintained. What is shame? What? So naive now? You've felt it. Something so wrong, you knwo you shouldn't have done it, thought it, felt it, but honestly, something in you enjoys it, or doesn't want it to change. You know it's wrong, but you don't feel it, you can't convince yourself to believe it. If you want it so bad, and it feels so good, why is it wrong? Why should you stop? If you know it was the only option, and you wouldn't take it back, why is it wrong? Why confess? If it's so wrong, but you believe in it so much, what's wrong with you?
So this one is all my own. A guilty pleasure so deep, it's not for my brain twin, not for Nadine. For me and for God. I don't want to give it up, and He knows where it ends, so no need for sharing now. For now, it's just our little secret.
...You thought you knew me but you don't, you say you'll love me but you wont, when you find out who I am...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
"Misfit"
---I love Lesley Roy---
Best friends one minute, acquaintances the next. Who am I to you?
"Maybe it's a good thing that you have no connections with any of them, it'll make the transition easier." I don't want my mom to think I have no friends, just another socially retarded freak. I hate never being able to "fit in". Forget being unique, forget having more substance, forget being real, they have so much I don't. "But.... but... so may people signed your yearbook, that's not the mark of a girl with no friends." I finally understand why they say 'ignorance is bliss', I wish I could be blind.
At least I have her sometimes. Sometimes. But all that they say, the constant fly in my ear, all that I can see around me, it makes me paranoid, untrusting. What are your motives? What do you want from me? They all have their ideas.
Unwanted, unloveable, unbeautiful, that's all they say to me.
But alas, this is the curse of the outsider, the black sheep, the misunderstood. Hahaha, only Carrie understands me. But I'm not one to spill blood... well, not anyone else's anyway.
I look in the mirror and I want to destroy the misfit looking back at me; it's not her fault, she can't help it.
Best friends one minute, acquaintances the next. Who am I to you?
"Maybe it's a good thing that you have no connections with any of them, it'll make the transition easier." I don't want my mom to think I have no friends, just another socially retarded freak. I hate never being able to "fit in". Forget being unique, forget having more substance, forget being real, they have so much I don't. "But.... but... so may people signed your yearbook, that's not the mark of a girl with no friends." I finally understand why they say 'ignorance is bliss', I wish I could be blind.
At least I have her sometimes. Sometimes. But all that they say, the constant fly in my ear, all that I can see around me, it makes me paranoid, untrusting. What are your motives? What do you want from me? They all have their ideas.
Unwanted, unloveable, unbeautiful, that's all they say to me.
But alas, this is the curse of the outsider, the black sheep, the misunderstood. Hahaha, only Carrie understands me. But I'm not one to spill blood... well, not anyone else's anyway.
I look in the mirror and I want to destroy the misfit looking back at me; it's not her fault, she can't help it.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
"Forget December"
---I love Something Corporate---
My head hurts really bad. REALLY BAD. I feel nauseous and just drained beyond belief. Haha, maybe you're right, maybe it's good she counts her pills. When it's like this, I can't handle it. I don't know how to take care of myself. So I lay there, on the kitchen floor, just trying to find the strength to pick myself up. I wish my household had a mute button. I think I would be a whole lot healthier if I could drown all of it out once in a while. They say I don't listen to anything they say, but it's not true. I try to listen, but then it all just hurts. They say things that hurt. And they yell, and they're just all so loud. They say my screamo music is bad, they should hear themselves. Now, that is something to scramble the brains. And they never hear me. How is that fair? I want to tell them things, but they don't hear me. THEY NEVER LISTEN. How can they know me, when they never listen? I wish I could find a mute button. Instead, I try to drown it out, and it drains me, and I find myself fallling asleep at 6pm, when I should be studying. Maybe it's better if I'm the only one who's quiet tonight.
...and if I'm talking, my words are mocking the deaf ears they have fallen on...
My head hurts really bad. REALLY BAD. I feel nauseous and just drained beyond belief. Haha, maybe you're right, maybe it's good she counts her pills. When it's like this, I can't handle it. I don't know how to take care of myself. So I lay there, on the kitchen floor, just trying to find the strength to pick myself up. I wish my household had a mute button. I think I would be a whole lot healthier if I could drown all of it out once in a while. They say I don't listen to anything they say, but it's not true. I try to listen, but then it all just hurts. They say things that hurt. And they yell, and they're just all so loud. They say my screamo music is bad, they should hear themselves. Now, that is something to scramble the brains. And they never hear me. How is that fair? I want to tell them things, but they don't hear me. THEY NEVER LISTEN. How can they know me, when they never listen? I wish I could find a mute button. Instead, I try to drown it out, and it drains me, and I find myself fallling asleep at 6pm, when I should be studying. Maybe it's better if I'm the only one who's quiet tonight.
...and if I'm talking, my words are mocking the deaf ears they have fallen on...
Life Path 6...
Sixes are nurturers. If men, they rescue damsels in distress. If women, they mother the "little boy" in their men. They should manage or run the company. If every thing is going smoothly, they must be careful not to ruin it. They tend to put people on pedestals which then topple. Magnetic. People are drawn to them. Their moods affect the room.
Yeah, I don't think so. Numerology sucks. =P
Yeah, I don't think so. Numerology sucks. =P
Sunday, May 16, 2010
"Jenny"
---I love The Click 5---
I know it's wrong, that I'm supposed to like my unique-ness, my dark skin, my mysterious eyes, my thick, killer hair, my spicy nature, etcetc, but darn, sometimes I really do wish I were white. The skinny, pretty one with blonde hair and blue eyes, that can actually shop at Charlotte Russe and fit into the dresses (blonde hair/blue eyes optional). The girl that, in theory, should blend in, since she and all her friends look like clones, but actually shines. I know it's wrong, but sometimes I get tired of the terrorist jokes, the random kids on buses who yell towelhead out the window, the constant questions and walking on eggshells, my burnt color, the dark pits of despair tht show no character behind my lashes, the frizzy mess I have to straighten constantly just to keep it from knotting, and everyone saying I'm different, that I don't belong.
We're all so quiet, we're all so quiet. Until we can't be. I always say that I wish I could be the silent one, but I can't be. I just explode with words and thoughts. I dislike that about me.
I can barely even remember being 17.
I love going through Facebook and finding tagged pictures of yourself you never even knew existed.
IB kids are awesome. This is when my Biology class decided to arrange ourselves into a color scale last year. =D
Wacky Tacky Day. =D
The last day of classes this year. =D
Friday, May 14, 2010
"Black Magic Woman"
---I love Santana---
ihop= international house of pancakes, who would've thought?
Worried, panicked, confused? Well, how about I make it worse? Take advantage of you when you're down? Don't worry, it's chill. I work with God. *when*i*say*godblessyou*do*you*feel*secure*?*
All this talk about black magic and dark auras is freaking me out. I mean, I want s
omething to believe in. Anything. Things aren't getting fixed fast enough. That's prolly why I bought in so easily to the idea of medication. I just want relief. But nothing is ever followed through, and I'm always left stuck. I want to believe, I really want to believe, but I can't, so I just check out. I just go somewhere else, let them blame it on my youth. "I can't advise you, I'm just a child." I don't know what to believe, but I need something. I'm not looking for religion, I've got that. At least, I have enough of what I need, but that doesn't help with this. I'm too impatient. So, I don't know what to do, or say.
...She got me so blind, I can't see, but she's a black magic woman and she's trying to make a devil out of me...
ihop= international house of pancakes, who would've thought?
Worried, panicked, confused? Well, how about I make it worse? Take advantage of you when you're down? Don't worry, it's chill. I work with God. *when*i*say*godblessyou*do*you*feel*secure*?*
All this talk about black magic and dark auras is freaking me out. I mean, I want s
omething to believe in. Anything. Things aren't getting fixed fast enough. That's prolly why I bought in so easily to the idea of medication. I just want relief. But nothing is ever followed through, and I'm always left stuck. I want to believe, I really want to believe, but I can't, so I just check out. I just go somewhere else, let them blame it on my youth. "I can't advise you, I'm just a child." I don't know what to believe, but I need something. I'm not looking for religion, I've got that. At least, I have enough of what I need, but that doesn't help with this. I'm too impatient. So, I don't know what to do, or say....She got me so blind, I can't see, but she's a black magic woman and she's trying to make a devil out of me...
Monday, May 10, 2010
So...
I was watching the Can't Be Tamed video by Miley Cyrus. Who's gonna tell her she looks like an idiot? I mean, I get what she's trying to do, but the poor girl kinda failed. Majorly. She says that she can't be changed, so why does this video remind me of something later Britney mixed with Lady Gaga, then innocentcized just a bit? We might not know Miley, but she doesn't seem to either.
Oh, and on this whole celebrity topic, I turn on MTV, and see those Aly and AJ girls giving their dog low-lights. Wtf? Seriously? That HAS to be unhealthy for the poor dog.
Oh, and just so you know, Michael Buble and Bubba Sparxxx are currently tied for creepiest white guys I've witnessed.
I always feel so bad for those teen moms on Maury. Oh, but their voices do get so annoying. I wonder if anything ever changes if he says you are the dad.
Holy shit, Bubba Sparxxx just won. He looks like Scheloske.
Oh, and on this whole celebrity topic, I turn on MTV, and see those Aly and AJ girls giving their dog low-lights. Wtf? Seriously? That HAS to be unhealthy for the poor dog.
Oh, and just so you know, Michael Buble and Bubba Sparxxx are currently tied for creepiest white guys I've witnessed.
I always feel so bad for those teen moms on Maury. Oh, but their voices do get so annoying. I wonder if anything ever changes if he says you are the dad.
Holy shit, Bubba Sparxxx just won. He looks like Scheloske.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Just answer me this...
What makes them so worth it, when I'm not? Why are they so damn special?
Oh, sweetie, you look like walking death.
Oh, sweetie, you look like walking death.
"Marvelous Things"
---I love Eisley---
"I love you"
*awkward*silence*
"Let's just pretend you didn't say that"
"No. I love you, Alyssa"
I hate when people use those naughty words.
Yesterday I was excited. Today, I'm not.
So, this morning I gave my mom her mother's day gift, and she cried, in a good way. She's truly dreading next year. No one wants to be alone.
I went to a psychic last night. It was intense. She says I have a dark aura, that I was born with a very light one but it's darkened over the years, but I can fix that, and that my life will be wonderful. It sounds amazing. Once I get my career going, money will never be a problem, I'll meet my soulmate, he'll be financially well off, I'll only marry once and have four kids (3 boys and a girl). It sounds nice. It sounds so different from my life now. So normal and perfect and pleasant. She said that as soon as I get there with not much trouble Mount Holyoke will become my home. I will fit in and find friends, and be happy. I just need to fix my damn aura. She said that I'm a sensitive person. I care more about others than myself. I want to help everyone but will never ask for help. I internalize things way too easily. That I make everyone else's problems my own. That I'm a natural born worrier. I never talk about what's wrong, and that bubbles within me, causing me to have a lot of anger. I don't trust people, and won't let them in, and because I put up such a wall, people back down, making me believe that no one loves me or that I'm unloveable, but that's untrue. I'm filled with insecurity and all the worst problems in my life come from within. I'll always have a rocky relationship with my mother, but we'll work through that. I'll have a falling out with someone in my family, but despite this, I'll be happier without them in my life. And, all those guys in my life I get bored of? It's actually a good thing. See, it doesn't matter that I go through guys so easily, moving from one to the next, because none of them really matter bcuz none are my soulmate. It's okay to have fun. Oh, and there's a shy boy who has his eye on me. He's not my soulmate, but I should give him a chance for now. In the future, the way that I know that my soulmate has truly be found is because it happens naturally, and I'm not scared. I'll die of old age. I have nothing to worry about. Everything will work out.
I personally think I've gotten quite a good deal here. I mean, other than the popping out four aliens out of my vagina! My goodness! But yeah, it all sounds so perfect. Better than my sister who left her soulmate to marry a guy she could never love as much, or my other sister who may soon lose her soulmate to black magic. Yeah, I got a pretty good deal. Too bad I don't believe in psychics.
...Oh what marvelous things, but they are, they are, they are giving me the creeps...
"I love you"
*awkward*silence*
"Let's just pretend you didn't say that"
"No. I love you, Alyssa"
I hate when people use those naughty words.
Yesterday I was excited. Today, I'm not.
So, this morning I gave my mom her mother's day gift, and she cried, in a good way. She's truly dreading next year. No one wants to be alone.
I went to a psychic last night. It was intense. She says I have a dark aura, that I was born with a very light one but it's darkened over the years, but I can fix that, and that my life will be wonderful. It sounds amazing. Once I get my career going, money will never be a problem, I'll meet my soulmate, he'll be financially well off, I'll only marry once and have four kids (3 boys and a girl). It sounds nice. It sounds so different from my life now. So normal and perfect and pleasant. She said that as soon as I get there with not much trouble Mount Holyoke will become my home. I will fit in and find friends, and be happy. I just need to fix my damn aura. She said that I'm a sensitive person. I care more about others than myself. I want to help everyone but will never ask for help. I internalize things way too easily. That I make everyone else's problems my own. That I'm a natural born worrier. I never talk about what's wrong, and that bubbles within me, causing me to have a lot of anger. I don't trust people, and won't let them in, and because I put up such a wall, people back down, making me believe that no one loves me or that I'm unloveable, but that's untrue. I'm filled with insecurity and all the worst problems in my life come from within. I'll always have a rocky relationship with my mother, but we'll work through that. I'll have a falling out with someone in my family, but despite this, I'll be happier without them in my life. And, all those guys in my life I get bored of? It's actually a good thing. See, it doesn't matter that I go through guys so easily, moving from one to the next, because none of them really matter bcuz none are my soulmate. It's okay to have fun. Oh, and there's a shy boy who has his eye on me. He's not my soulmate, but I should give him a chance for now. In the future, the way that I know that my soulmate has truly be found is because it happens naturally, and I'm not scared. I'll die of old age. I have nothing to worry about. Everything will work out.
I personally think I've gotten quite a good deal here. I mean, other than the popping out four aliens out of my vagina! My goodness! But yeah, it all sounds so perfect. Better than my sister who left her soulmate to marry a guy she could never love as much, or my other sister who may soon lose her soulmate to black magic. Yeah, I got a pretty good deal. Too bad I don't believe in psychics.
...Oh what marvelous things, but they are, they are, they are giving me the creeps...
Thursday, May 6, 2010
"If I Could Go"
---I love Angie Martinez---
Okay, no I don't. I know one song by her, and I really like it, but not enough for me to look her up, so I bet the rest of her songs suck. Just saying.
My sister is visiting, and she's amazing. Like the person that I like best in my family, other than my cat. She's like one of the best people in my life. She's the farthest from flawess, but that's part of her charm. She's actually one of the most flawed people I know, but she's strong. Digressing, as usual. The point is, she's here, and that's good. But with everything good, there are always some downsides. The most unbearable from me is her judging. She thinks she can judge me, and it's driving me crazy. Her little comments, it's drives me crazy. Not as much as The Frog, of course, but it makes me hate myself even more.
You should be studying.
-You're right, but it's hopeless at this point.
Don't say that, think positive. Besides you HAVE to pass.
-I realize that, but I've been studying all day.
Sure you have...
You shouldn't associate yourself with people like that.
-He makes me happy.
You know he stopped talking to you because you bore him.
-Yeah, I realize that....
You shouldn't blog, it's so pointless.
-I would diary, but you kinda took that from me when you read it.
Okay, that was harsh. She didn't take it from me. But dude, she just sweeps in and judges my entire way of life.
I feel suffocated. My room is my space, and I love spending time with her, but sometimes I need time alone, and my room is MY space. I'm used to having nobody in there for more than like 5 or 10 minutes, then I get all claustophobic, but she doesn't get that. She stays in my room on the laptop for hours, and it just makes me feel all clustered. If we could just move the laptop into her room and do that exact same thing, I'm fine, just my room, it's mine, I don't want anyone in there... maybe it's because it's the darkest room in the house, and the smallest. I did that on purpose, it makes me feel safe when I'm alone. But that doesn't work when she is there invading it.
Oh, and dude, on the phone yesterday! Arrrggghhhh!!!! I can't believe she'd say all that while I was on the phone with him. I don't talk about him with almost anyone, but when she asks direct questions I can't lie to her. She always knows. She can always tell. So, she knows about him. But I don't want him to know that. I don't want him to know that I talk about him. How weird is that? Very weird.
And as the summer approaches, I feel that same anxiousness as always. My future seems so uncertain. It feels like everything is moving so slow in my life, while at the same time, life is just zooming by and I'm missing out on EVERYTHING. I just want things to start already.
It scares me that I'm losing her sooner than I thought. I don't want her to go yet. I really don't want her to go yet. I counted on this summer, and now it just feels like it's been snatched away.
But this is nothing to sweat over now. Life is good.
Life is good.
...If I could go with you, contigo, I'll pack my things, soon as you say, Baby vamos, we'll fly away, like there is no, no tomorrow...
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
"We Love Like Vampires"
---I love Sparks the Rescue---
AND I LOVE THAT SONG, jsyk.
I don't know why I want to be alone so badly, when I love you so much. But all humanity, even the good kind, they make me itch. I just don't want to be at all.
So, I make a line, watch it bubble, suck it up, wipe it up, wait for it to refill the line, and taste it again. Can vampires drink their own blood? Wait, no. Only freaks do that.
It's been a while. It's always been a while. But the illusion of never again is gone now. Just for now.
AND I LOVE THAT SONG, jsyk.
I don't know why I want to be alone so badly, when I love you so much. But all humanity, even the good kind, they make me itch. I just don't want to be at all.
So, I make a line, watch it bubble, suck it up, wipe it up, wait for it to refill the line, and taste it again. Can vampires drink their own blood? Wait, no. Only freaks do that.
It's been a while. It's always been a while. But the illusion of never again is gone now. Just for now.
Monday, May 3, 2010
"Eight Easy Steps"
---I love Alanis Morissette---
Study, study, study.
There's nothing else.
But none of it matters.
But don't tell them that.
None of it matters.
I want it.
So badly.
So badly.
So badly.
...How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself...
"What's with all the happy music?"
~i guess it's not just me. i guess they really don't see or hear anything at all. their entire world is distorted. everything is distorted.
TAKE ME HOME, I'D RATHER DIE THAN BE WITH YOU.
This happens everytime, I knew it would.
Sometimes my words aren't my own.
Now, where is your head Ms. Turtle?
Leave me alone, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Goddammit, I didn't mean that. Come back now. I mean it. Come back! Please come back. PLEASE.
How the hell could you screw this all up again? You can't do anything right. You screw EVERYTHING up. I hate you. I hate you. You stupid little...
I just CAN'T be myself right now.
Let me out of my skin. Let me out. Let me out.
Those damn teenagers.
Now, where is your head? Where is your pretty, little mind at?
Study, study, study darling. Test time is soon.
=)
Study, study, study.
There's nothing else.
But none of it matters.
But don't tell them that.
None of it matters.
I want it.
So badly.
So badly.
So badly.
...How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself...
"What's with all the happy music?"
~i guess it's not just me. i guess they really don't see or hear anything at all. their entire world is distorted. everything is distorted.
TAKE ME HOME, I'D RATHER DIE THAN BE WITH YOU.
This happens everytime, I knew it would.
Sometimes my words aren't my own.
Now, where is your head Ms. Turtle?
Leave me alone, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Goddammit, I didn't mean that. Come back now. I mean it. Come back! Please come back. PLEASE.
How the hell could you screw this all up again? You can't do anything right. You screw EVERYTHING up. I hate you. I hate you. You stupid little...
I just CAN'T be myself right now.
Let me out of my skin. Let me out. Let me out.
Those damn teenagers.
Now, where is your head? Where is your pretty, little mind at?
Eat me alive.
Study, study, study darling. Test time is soon.
=)
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
"Mind"
---I love Los Hollywood---
---Grad Nite Friday---
---Prom Saturday---
Now into my head...
Sometimes I hate you.
I'll never be good enough. Nothing is ever good enough. You know what bothers me, but you don't care, then act surprise when I react. Real mature.
Sometimes I hate you.
Hey, you. Sometimes I think I love you.
But I don't.
You say I'm never satisfied. It kills me to hear that. That makes me like her. I don't want you to hate me. And you claim you don't. But I can never be sure with you.
It doesn't matter either way.
Hey, you. Sometimes I think I love you.
...I can't feel the pain when I'm bleeding, it only takes away my mind. No matter what everyone is thinking, when I live in my own world. My heart blows away as I see, and butterflies call out, and even though nobody can see, you are inside my mind...
Angel. Sometimes I thought I was you.
But I'm not.
Angel. Sometimes I thought I was you.
Sister, sister. Sometimes I know we'll be forever.
I hope I'm right. What can I do without you? Sometimes you're not even here when you're sitting right next to me, and I know I ask for alot, but I depend solely on you. You're everything for me. I expect you to be everything. But you can't be. Then we're silent. Sorry for letting you down. I feel like I let everyone down that night. But that doesn't matter. All that I care about is that you were unhappy.
Sister, sister. Sometimes I know we'll be forever.
So, mister demon.
Come engulf me.
Swallow me whole.
Tear me apart.
So, mister demon.
Come swallow me whole.
Monday, April 26, 2010
"Sabotage"
---I (do not) love Kristina Debarge---
So now my safe place is dangerous again.
Thanks alot, hon.
...I sabotaged my heart and, and I don't know how to change. It doesn't matter what I say or what I do, cause in the end she always wins...
Don't catch me this time?
So now my safe place is dangerous again.
Thanks alot, hon.
...I sabotaged my heart and, and I don't know how to change. It doesn't matter what I say or what I do, cause in the end she always wins...
Don't catch me this time?
Friday, April 23, 2010
The Kimberlys.
... when you walk away, you don't hear me say, please, oh baby, don't go, simple and clean is the way you're making me feel tonight, it's hard to let it go ..
whoever said videogames are good for nothing?
The invasions of the Kimberlys. Perfect, skinny, graceful, playful, irresistable, but fleeting, of course. How long can you stare at one star before realizing tht it's just a lump of glowing matter? I wish to be a Kimberly, because Alyssas aren't that special. Sure, they're everywhere, and their nice, and loveable. That's what they say. Those filthy liars. But Alyssas can never be Kimberlys. Kimberlys don't try, they just are. They just are. An Alyssa will melt slowly to reveal the bubblegum center that you can chew on forever. But who wants a hard candy? They look so unappetizing at first. Who knows if it has a surprise center or not? They have to advertise, they have to beg, they have to put all they have out there for you to even be bothered to pop one in your mouth for a taste. A Kimberly on the other hand, you want it, you want it, you need it, but then it's just gone. Like cotton candy. Shallow? Not really. But definitely not worth it. It never lasts. But shallow is a harsh word. Can't cotton candy have a bubble gum center? It doesn't matter, because I can't ever be cotton candy. I can only be a stupid, desperate Alyssa.
So, review time?
Kimberly = cotton candy
Alyssa = misunderstood treat
So, what's a Turtle?
Parents suck sometimes. Yeah.
whoever said videogames are good for nothing?
The invasions of the Kimberlys. Perfect, skinny, graceful, playful, irresistable, but fleeting, of course. How long can you stare at one star before realizing tht it's just a lump of glowing matter? I wish to be a Kimberly, because Alyssas aren't that special. Sure, they're everywhere, and their nice, and loveable. That's what they say. Those filthy liars. But Alyssas can never be Kimberlys. Kimberlys don't try, they just are. They just are. An Alyssa will melt slowly to reveal the bubblegum center that you can chew on forever. But who wants a hard candy? They look so unappetizing at first. Who knows if it has a surprise center or not? They have to advertise, they have to beg, they have to put all they have out there for you to even be bothered to pop one in your mouth for a taste. A Kimberly on the other hand, you want it, you want it, you need it, but then it's just gone. Like cotton candy. Shallow? Not really. But definitely not worth it. It never lasts. But shallow is a harsh word. Can't cotton candy have a bubble gum center? It doesn't matter, because I can't ever be cotton candy. I can only be a stupid, desperate Alyssa.
So, review time?
Kimberly = cotton candy
Alyssa = misunderstood treat
So, what's a Turtle?
Parents suck sometimes. Yeah.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
"Nineteen Stars"
---I love Meg & Dia---
Everything hurts today.
I feel like swearing alot today. I hope tht doesn't bother you. Ha, of course, now that I've said it, I probably won't swear at all.
Well, firstly I thought I'd state, that I want to be somebody else.
iwannabesomebodyelseiwannabesomebodyelseiwannabesomebodyelseIWANTTOBESOMEBODYELSE!
Anyone willing to trade just for a few days? Please. Please.
...she was so much more than me, but i can be her now, i can be her now...
So, it made me feel nothing for a while. Nothing at all. The worst feeling in the world. Nothing at all. Nothing. NOTHING. And now, there is nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing for a night. Nothing for a weekend. Nothing for a whole fucking week. Nothing at all. Nothing. And it hurts. Why does it fucking hurt? It was nothing. I felt nothing. But now I am nothing. And so are you. Disappear. Run away. I like it better that way. You fucking liar. Wait, no, that's me. NOTHING.
Now I feel as though I spelt nothing wrong, because it looks so foreign to my eyes. But familiar to everything else. Fucking idiot. Why, yes, yes I am.
NOTHING.
You're life is just a book, Turtle, and it's up to you to write your destiny. Well, if that's true, I've written myself into many stories, but they never end up the way I want them too. What should I do to fix that? Well, I'll tell you what, there's nothing I can fucking do. Ooh, there's that word again. NOTHING.
No matter how far down the wrong road you've travelled, you can always turn back. Fuck you. =) That's not true. It's really not. They should not be allowed to say statements like that in institutions of knowledge, because that just leads us more astray.
It's hopeless now, darling, it's hopeless. But I still love you.
So hold me, please. Hold me until you suffocate me. Hold me until everything is gone, and black and not so cold. Hold me until I'm free. Hold me until I'm nothing. Until I'm nothing, because I'm everything.
Shh! Can't you keep a secret?
...all I want, all I want is right here but love don't live here anymore...
On the plus side, maybe GradNite and Prom will be good. =)
The downside is, despite how badly I try to resist it, I can't help but be uber-hopeful about those two nights, and we both know how this will end. In utter disappointment.
Ball of id. Give her attention?
Saying thank you, makes her a whore. =)
Oh god, baby, give it to me right now. I fucking NEED it. Just fuck me, baby. Just do me.
.Turtle.
Everything hurts today.
I feel like swearing alot today. I hope tht doesn't bother you. Ha, of course, now that I've said it, I probably won't swear at all.
Well, firstly I thought I'd state, that I want to be somebody else.
iwannabesomebodyelseiwannabesomebodyelseiwannabesomebodyelseIWANTTOBESOMEBODYELSE!
Anyone willing to trade just for a few days? Please. Please.
...she was so much more than me, but i can be her now, i can be her now...
So, it made me feel nothing for a while. Nothing at all. The worst feeling in the world. Nothing at all. Nothing. NOTHING. And now, there is nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing for a night. Nothing for a weekend. Nothing for a whole fucking week. Nothing at all. Nothing. And it hurts. Why does it fucking hurt? It was nothing. I felt nothing. But now I am nothing. And so are you. Disappear. Run away. I like it better that way. You fucking liar. Wait, no, that's me. NOTHING.
Now I feel as though I spelt nothing wrong, because it looks so foreign to my eyes. But familiar to everything else. Fucking idiot. Why, yes, yes I am.
NOTHING.
You're life is just a book, Turtle, and it's up to you to write your destiny. Well, if that's true, I've written myself into many stories, but they never end up the way I want them too. What should I do to fix that? Well, I'll tell you what, there's nothing I can fucking do. Ooh, there's that word again. NOTHING.
No matter how far down the wrong road you've travelled, you can always turn back. Fuck you. =) That's not true. It's really not. They should not be allowed to say statements like that in institutions of knowledge, because that just leads us more astray.
It's hopeless now, darling, it's hopeless. But I still love you.
So hold me, please. Hold me until you suffocate me. Hold me until everything is gone, and black and not so cold. Hold me until I'm free. Hold me until I'm nothing. Until I'm nothing, because I'm everything.
Shh! Can't you keep a secret?
...all I want, all I want is right here but love don't live here anymore...
On the plus side, maybe GradNite and Prom will be good. =)
The downside is, despite how badly I try to resist it, I can't help but be uber-hopeful about those two nights, and we both know how this will end. In utter disappointment.
Ball of id. Give her attention?
Saying thank you, makes her a whore. =)
Oh god, baby, give it to me right now. I fucking NEED it. Just fuck me, baby. Just do me.
.Turtle.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I feel like being childish.
I love animals, so I was thinking about my future pet family. This is what I was thinking about. Beautiful family, no?
I'm not really a fan of Owl City, most of his stuff bore me, they're not really my style, but thanks to my dear Katie, who knows me better than anyone in the world, she has introduced me to a song of his I actually like. Vanilla Twilight, is the second of his, tht I actually enjoy.
....The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly...
....But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone....
...As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight...
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
"The Only Exception"
---I love Paramore---
I love talking you, but you know that. Maybe it's lack of sleep, or maybe something's wrong with me, but when I got off the phone today, I cried. I cried and cried and couldn't make myself stop. It's not because I'm sad, at least, I don't think that I am, I just don't know what I feel. It's so screwed up, right? You're not even real. You're not even freakin' real. Could it be my hormonal imbalance? My insanity hitting in just another way? I'm really tired, maybe that's it? I don't know. All I know is that for the last few weeks, I can't get enough of you, and tonight, for no reason, you've made me cry. I'd never tell you this though, because neither of us are that kind of people. I know that I'm not. I KNOW that I'm not. And neither are you. You're not perfect. But I forget that so often. Deen says that there are bunches of guys like you around here who ARE real and actually attainable, and she's right. But they're not you. And they haven't made me cry.
Guys are only worth the length of their dick.
I'm cold.
I don't feel.
No one there can be real.
I'm just a realist.
It's pointless bcuz it could never happen.
I'd never let myself get so wrapped up in one person.
I get bored way too easily.
It could never exist.
I CAN'T feel.
but you complicate things.
You are the only exception.
I love talking you, but you know that. Maybe it's lack of sleep, or maybe something's wrong with me, but when I got off the phone today, I cried. I cried and cried and couldn't make myself stop. It's not because I'm sad, at least, I don't think that I am, I just don't know what I feel. It's so screwed up, right? You're not even real. You're not even freakin' real. Could it be my hormonal imbalance? My insanity hitting in just another way? I'm really tired, maybe that's it? I don't know. All I know is that for the last few weeks, I can't get enough of you, and tonight, for no reason, you've made me cry. I'd never tell you this though, because neither of us are that kind of people. I know that I'm not. I KNOW that I'm not. And neither are you. You're not perfect. But I forget that so often. Deen says that there are bunches of guys like you around here who ARE real and actually attainable, and she's right. But they're not you. And they haven't made me cry.
Guys are only worth the length of their dick.
I'm cold.
I don't feel.
No one there can be real.
I'm just a realist.
It's pointless bcuz it could never happen.
I'd never let myself get so wrapped up in one person.
I get bored way too easily.
It could never exist.
I CAN'T feel.
but you complicate things.
You are the only exception.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
=(
I thought we were friends.
But on the brightside, don't you love it when you read your horoscope from yesterday and realized everything it said was true?
Vocabulary of the Day-
bittersweet- pleasure mingled with pain.
Screw that. YOU are the definition of bittersweet.
But on the brightside, don't you love it when you read your horoscope from yesterday and realized everything it said was true?
Vocabulary of the Day-
bittersweet- pleasure mingled with pain.
Screw that. YOU are the definition of bittersweet.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
"To Drunk to F*ck"
---I love Nouvelle Vague---
I feel amazing tonight. I'm spinning on high. Just good. Kind of a surprise over how intense yesterday was. Despite the anti-climatic ending.
*me*driving*
mom "you know i was watching a CNN story about a mother who strangled her daughter to death"
*me*still*driving* "why?"
mom "the daughter used to be such a good girl, then she started doing bad things, and the mom just couldn't deal with it anymore"
*silence*
aleena "put my princess CD on?"
I guess, being caught always seems worse in our heads. I mean, of all the things I get caught for, it never causes consequences as bad as I imagine.
I played matchmaker for them. Finally helped her find her balls, and now they're in the hands of the juggler! So, despite the fact that I no longer have a prom date, which will be a disappointment to my dear mother, I'm extrememly happy that she does. I was never the type to want one anyway. And they're gonna look so awkwardly cute together. I'm even more excited for prom now, then I was before.
And, today, I took it in doses. Thought about it constantly, but just had tiny drops here and there. I'm used to gulping down. That worries me a little bit. What if it means that I'm going to start weaning off of it. I would hate that. But, of course, I'm an overanalyzer. It doesn't mean anything. I know I won't stop wanting it, and I hope I don't stop getting it for a long time. There's not indication to worry yet. Regardless, I just wanted to say, I'm still ecstatic. So damn happy, it's weird.
Yeah, tonight was a good night.
=)
I feel amazing tonight. I'm spinning on high. Just good. Kind of a surprise over how intense yesterday was. Despite the anti-climatic ending.
*me*driving*
mom "you know i was watching a CNN story about a mother who strangled her daughter to death"
*me*still*driving* "why?"
mom "the daughter used to be such a good girl, then she started doing bad things, and the mom just couldn't deal with it anymore"
*silence*
aleena "put my princess CD on?"
I guess, being caught always seems worse in our heads. I mean, of all the things I get caught for, it never causes consequences as bad as I imagine.
I played matchmaker for them. Finally helped her find her balls, and now they're in the hands of the juggler! So, despite the fact that I no longer have a prom date, which will be a disappointment to my dear mother, I'm extrememly happy that she does. I was never the type to want one anyway. And they're gonna look so awkwardly cute together. I'm even more excited for prom now, then I was before.
And, today, I took it in doses. Thought about it constantly, but just had tiny drops here and there. I'm used to gulping down. That worries me a little bit. What if it means that I'm going to start weaning off of it. I would hate that. But, of course, I'm an overanalyzer. It doesn't mean anything. I know I won't stop wanting it, and I hope I don't stop getting it for a long time. There's not indication to worry yet. Regardless, I just wanted to say, I'm still ecstatic. So damn happy, it's weird.
Yeah, tonight was a good night.
=)
I wanna be in California.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
...shawty, whacha name is?...
Hello, there. *sits*up*straighter*adjusts*inconspicuous*glasses* so.... *nose/moustache*wiggle* what to talk about?
Averagely amazing day, followed by a horrible afternoon. But what else is new? It steals my motivation, you know?
We are teenagers, we don't know our souls
and because we are still testing our limits
we don't see what is right in front of our faces.
We don't realize what we have
and we have no idea how to appreciate it
or what is worth appreciating.
Then you see a face you didn't expect to see,
you didn't think you'd ever see again
you didn't think about at all.
And even though it's far away
it's still in reach
so you really want to know more.
But words don't mean as much as they used to,
they never can with the changes that have occurred,
no one ever admits that.
So, when there are words that fly to your heart
you don't even realize that they are present
until they are in your mind all the time.
flip the switch
~smiling girl
flip the switch
~studious girl
flip the switch
~embarrassed girl
flip the switch
~laughing girl
flip the switch
~scared girl
flip the switch
~angry girl
flip the switch
~cutting girl
flip the switch
~she's completely alone.
Leave me alone... ?
Averagely amazing day, followed by a horrible afternoon. But what else is new? It steals my motivation, you know?
We are teenagers, we don't know our souls
and because we are still testing our limits
we don't see what is right in front of our faces.
We don't realize what we have
and we have no idea how to appreciate it
or what is worth appreciating.
Then you see a face you didn't expect to see,
you didn't think you'd ever see again
you didn't think about at all.
And even though it's far away
it's still in reach
so you really want to know more.
But words don't mean as much as they used to,
they never can with the changes that have occurred,
no one ever admits that.
So, when there are words that fly to your heart
you don't even realize that they are present
until they are in your mind all the time.
flip the switch
~smiling girl
flip the switch
~studious girl
flip the switch
~embarrassed girl
flip the switch
~laughing girl
flip the switch
~scared girl
flip the switch
~angry girl
flip the switch
~cutting girl
flip the switch
~she's completely alone.
Leave me alone... ?
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I've been waiting for you...
8:09pm - 51 min. 54 sec.
9:01pm - 10 min. 59 sec.
9:32pm - 1 hr. 31 min. 40 sec.
nice, but such a scary word.
9:01pm - 10 min. 59 sec.
9:32pm - 1 hr. 31 min. 40 sec.
nice, but such a scary word.
"Crazy Bitch"
---I love Buckcherry---
It was would be crazy, hateful, passionate, and violent. The sex would be great. Unhealthy. Everything I would think I wanted, but nothing that I needed. Self-destructive. Just like I like it.
Too bad it can't happen. My imagination runs wild.
It was would be crazy, hateful, passionate, and violent. The sex would be great. Unhealthy. Everything I would think I wanted, but nothing that I needed. Self-destructive. Just like I like it.
Too bad it can't happen. My imagination runs wild.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
"Underdog"
---I love the Jonas Brothers---
You say it, but then you don't mean it
You say you wanna have it and feel it and hold it
But all I can offer is a cheap imitation.
Open up to close all the doors.
Why go searching for something you don't know you don't have?
In a house of mirrors that I've built just for you
Don't you feel lonely, baby, or just a happy fool?
Never satisfied, never satiated, I want to bite through your skin.
I hurt today. So, I guess I haven't been sharing my feelings like I used to. I used to post these long poetic, meaningful posts, that made me feel like I'd just shared the whole world, now I have little one liners, that confuse even me. But everything confuses me. I hurt today.
Will things ever get better? I feel so immature, so stupid, so worthless, like a complaining spoiled brat when I think things like that. I have nothing to complain about. My life is good. I have what ppl beg for. I have a family, friends, a house, oppurtunities in front of me. Why can't I take advantage of them? Or better yet, why do I keep taking advantage of them in the worst ways? I hurt so bad, but what's the point in saying it, since I can't say why.
Tear me apart, break me down, make me hurt, please. Please. They say I can't do it to myself anymore.
I bought a scar fader the other day. I guess it'd be bad if I added new scars today. It would make it a waste of money, wouldn't it?
I hate myself sometimes.
And, I hurt today.
P.S. If you promise not to tell anyone, I can tell you a secret. Sometimes I wish he were real.
You say it, but then you don't mean it
You say you wanna have it and feel it and hold it
But all I can offer is a cheap imitation.
Open up to close all the doors.
Why go searching for something you don't know you don't have?
In a house of mirrors that I've built just for you
Don't you feel lonely, baby, or just a happy fool?
Never satisfied, never satiated, I want to bite through your skin.
I hurt today. So, I guess I haven't been sharing my feelings like I used to. I used to post these long poetic, meaningful posts, that made me feel like I'd just shared the whole world, now I have little one liners, that confuse even me. But everything confuses me. I hurt today.
Will things ever get better? I feel so immature, so stupid, so worthless, like a complaining spoiled brat when I think things like that. I have nothing to complain about. My life is good. I have what ppl beg for. I have a family, friends, a house, oppurtunities in front of me. Why can't I take advantage of them? Or better yet, why do I keep taking advantage of them in the worst ways? I hurt so bad, but what's the point in saying it, since I can't say why.
Tear me apart, break me down, make me hurt, please. Please. They say I can't do it to myself anymore.
I bought a scar fader the other day. I guess it'd be bad if I added new scars today. It would make it a waste of money, wouldn't it?
I hate myself sometimes.
And, I hurt today.
P.S. If you promise not to tell anyone, I can tell you a secret. Sometimes I wish he were real.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
"One Less Lonely Girl"
---I love Justin Bieber---
I know I spend ALOT of time complaining on here, but what I don't do enough is talk about how freakin' amazing my friends are. Today, I just realized I am SOOOO thankful for all of them, it's unbelievable. It took a lot of hurt, but somehow I ended up with the best/most amazing group ever imaginable. I mean, how did I find such a caring, non-judgemental, funny and damn crazy group of friends?!
Well, even though they'll never see this, just wanted to share how appreciative I am of them.
To: Nowsheen, Nadine, Jackie, Sam, Sylva, Francisco, Roxanne and Logan, and whoever else I must've forgotten, I LOVE YOU GUYS!
I know I spend ALOT of time complaining on here, but what I don't do enough is talk about how freakin' amazing my friends are. Today, I just realized I am SOOOO thankful for all of them, it's unbelievable. It took a lot of hurt, but somehow I ended up with the best/most amazing group ever imaginable. I mean, how did I find such a caring, non-judgemental, funny and damn crazy group of friends?!
Well, even though they'll never see this, just wanted to share how appreciative I am of them.
To: Nowsheen, Nadine, Jackie, Sam, Sylva, Francisco, Roxanne and Logan, and whoever else I must've forgotten, I LOVE YOU GUYS!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
"Hold That Sound"
---I love .Moneen.---
Thank goodness I get over guys easily. Time to start over.
I love you.
No, you don't.
Okay, but I like you alot.
Thank goodness I get over guys easily. Time to start over.
I love you.
No, you don't.
Okay, but I like you alot.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
"Do Not Disturb (Tell Me How Bad)"
---I love Let's Get It---
... and I love going to shows. Last night was good. And he was really hot. REALLY hot. I can't believe he recognized me. Hopefully a good thing, but it probably means nothing. I mean, I'm realistic, so I recognize it probably means nothing, but I can dream. And I can work on it. Hopefully, with a little effort, I can actually get to know him... and get more than a hug. >.< But I don't have much time. Everything started just a little too late. My whole life. Or maybe a little too early. Sometimes I think the wrong Alyssa is living the perfect life, but we won't go there. Maybe she deserves it. She does deserve it. Even if she is a stuck-up poser.
... and I love going to shows. Last night was good. And he was really hot. REALLY hot. I can't believe he recognized me. Hopefully a good thing, but it probably means nothing. I mean, I'm realistic, so I recognize it probably means nothing, but I can dream. And I can work on it. Hopefully, with a little effort, I can actually get to know him... and get more than a hug. >.< But I don't have much time. Everything started just a little too late. My whole life. Or maybe a little too early. Sometimes I think the wrong Alyssa is living the perfect life, but we won't go there. Maybe she deserves it. She does deserve it. Even if she is a stuck-up poser.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Dead Snow
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
"I Am Not a Whore"
but today is about 3OH!3...
And if I was a rich man,
I'd never been to sea,
Could I take you anyways,
Would you come with me, baby?
And if I was a sick man,
I'd never meant to be,
Would you love me anyways,
And would you marry me?
Today was a freakin' amazing day. Like seriously. Forizzle.
And if I was a rich man,
I'd never been to sea,
Could I take you anyways,
Would you come with me, baby?
And if I was a sick man,
I'd never meant to be,
Would you love me anyways,
And would you marry me?
Today was a freakin' amazing day. Like seriously. Forizzle.
And, on that topic, I'm a commitmentphobe. Did you guys know that? I didn't! But I am. I guess I should've realized that, since the only person I could ever even picture myself married to is Nat. And even though I love tattoos. Hello commitmentphobia!
Well, I guess I'll go back to my convo to a stranger about his love of bondage.
Have a nice day, y'all.
Well, I guess I'll go back to my convo to a stranger about his love of bondage.
Have a nice day, y'all.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
"Deathbed"
---I love There For Tomorrow---
I want to be one of them and it kills me. I will never be one of them, and regardless, I have no idea who I am, so I'll just sit here and sing myself a song. Keep breathing and I'll prove them wrong. Sometimes I'm already so gone inside it scares me... No it doesn't. I can't feel right now. I don't care. I know that it sounds like I'm lying, but it's like everyth... he moved. I forgot he was there... ing is meaningless anyway, so how could I care. If I was worried, scared, in love, in hate, in anything, just not EMPTY maybe I could see past this moment. All I see is... nothing... I don't know. I know my scars are ugly. I know they hold me back. I know that since it's been a few months since a "serious episode" they are fading. I know that with my skin tone they're a lot more noticeable. I know what people would say and how awkward it make them and how wrong it's supposed to be. In a twisted way I kinda like them there. And no one stares, no one says anything to my face... well no one but megan "cutter! cutter! cutter! so, movies on friday?"... it's not proper conversation, I guess. I wouldn't care if they did ask me. I'm over it now. But the thing is, I want to cut. I like doing it on my arm. It feels best there. But they're talking about buying scar fader. What a fail if I just add new ones. I guess they suppose if I don't look down and see my flaws everyday I won't want to add more. Idk. They're FINALLY starting to fade, I can't add them there. There goes another few months of short sleeves down the drain. There are other places, but they don't feel as natural. I can't explain that to people. They are FINALLY starting to fade. I can't. But, shhh, during math class today, I couldn't take it. I went into the bathroom and... people don't see my legs very often, and people get weird marks on there all the time, so I can do that without feeling guilty. It just doesn't feel as... destined... I want to hibernate.
I'm Scared of:
... milipedes/centipedes
... heights
... males with abnormally long pinky nails
... Justin Beiber/Michael Buble
... going crazy
... tomorrow.
I want to be one of them and it kills me. I will never be one of them, and regardless, I have no idea who I am, so I'll just sit here and sing myself a song. Keep breathing and I'll prove them wrong. Sometimes I'm already so gone inside it scares me... No it doesn't. I can't feel right now. I don't care. I know that it sounds like I'm lying, but it's like everyth... he moved. I forgot he was there... ing is meaningless anyway, so how could I care. If I was worried, scared, in love, in hate, in anything, just not EMPTY maybe I could see past this moment. All I see is... nothing... I don't know. I know my scars are ugly. I know they hold me back. I know that since it's been a few months since a "serious episode" they are fading. I know that with my skin tone they're a lot more noticeable. I know what people would say and how awkward it make them and how wrong it's supposed to be. In a twisted way I kinda like them there. And no one stares, no one says anything to my face... well no one but megan "cutter! cutter! cutter! so, movies on friday?"... it's not proper conversation, I guess. I wouldn't care if they did ask me. I'm over it now. But the thing is, I want to cut. I like doing it on my arm. It feels best there. But they're talking about buying scar fader. What a fail if I just add new ones. I guess they suppose if I don't look down and see my flaws everyday I won't want to add more. Idk. They're FINALLY starting to fade, I can't add them there. There goes another few months of short sleeves down the drain. There are other places, but they don't feel as natural. I can't explain that to people. They are FINALLY starting to fade. I can't. But, shhh, during math class today, I couldn't take it. I went into the bathroom and... people don't see my legs very often, and people get weird marks on there all the time, so I can do that without feeling guilty. It just doesn't feel as... destined... I want to hibernate.
I'm Scared of:
... milipedes/centipedes
... heights
... males with abnormally long pinky nails
... Justin Beiber/Michael Buble
... going crazy
... tomorrow.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Nothing worth writing. Nothing worth reading.
Whenever I'm really upset, I turn to him. Why? I don't know. Stupid? Of course it is, but when did anything I do ever make sense. It's not like I even expect him to help, he doesn't. He digusts me... but yet everytime... I would just delete him from my phone, but I figure it's better to talk to someone that disgusts me, then to talk to nobody, right?
So, I thought that cutting was going to be a teenage thing. You know, something I'd easily age out of, and even though I'm still a teenager, I'm an adult now. I should know better. But nothing ever turns out as planned. It's followed me into adulthood, and I'm not sure what my excuse is this time.
I can't believe she told my dad. Well, I guess I can believe it, but still, I did not want my dad to know. He didn't really react, but I'm not upset over that. It's not some big shock anymore, it barely seems to matter anymore. I didn't want attention, so I don't think I mind, but I don't feel any better, so I don't know.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!
I don't know what the point of this was, I can't think through anything right now, so this entire blog was a waste of space.
Turtle.
P.S. I'm sick. It fucking sucks.
So, I thought that cutting was going to be a teenage thing. You know, something I'd easily age out of, and even though I'm still a teenager, I'm an adult now. I should know better. But nothing ever turns out as planned. It's followed me into adulthood, and I'm not sure what my excuse is this time.
I can't believe she told my dad. Well, I guess I can believe it, but still, I did not want my dad to know. He didn't really react, but I'm not upset over that. It's not some big shock anymore, it barely seems to matter anymore. I didn't want attention, so I don't think I mind, but I don't feel any better, so I don't know.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!
I don't know what the point of this was, I can't think through anything right now, so this entire blog was a waste of space.
Turtle.
P.S. I'm sick. It fucking sucks.
Friday, February 5, 2010
"With You"
---I love Jessica Simpson---
I know it's not right, and I know that I don't actually like him, that I just like the attention, and I know that by this time next week, I won't even be able to recognize him by name, but, for tonight, I can't sleep.
I know it's not right, and I know that I don't actually like him, that I just like the attention, and I know that by this time next week, I won't even be able to recognize him by name, but, for tonight, I can't sleep.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
"Blame, Blame, Blame"
---I love Ferras---
I'm a procrastinater. I should stop doing that... but I won't.
Today was one of the best days of my life; in the world I've created moments like this don't appear often. I want to hold on to it, but it's already gone.
FMLs are supposed to be funny, but you make me want to cry... and not in that pseudo-romantic kind of way. I hate seeing you in pain, which is ridiculous since I've never ever really seen you.
...gypsies told me we were soul mates, in a past life but not in this life, I am cursed and so are you, always reaching, never there... -Emmure
How can you call yourself my friend? It makes me itch to hear you say that. You think you're being cute? We both know, by saying those remarks, you're really saying what's on your mind, but masking it with comedy. Did I hurt you? Do I care? Saying those things don't hurt me. You've screwed yourself up enough already for me to do much harm. Maybe it's better we don't talk anymore, bcuz our relationship, it wasn't healthy. We pulled each other down, and that's not right for either of us.
So, vocab of the day anyone? Remember that or is it a forgotten concept? Sorry if I've been an absent teacher, hard when I'm still acquainting myself with the subject.
Vocabulary of the Day:
unappreciative- inability to recognize the quality, value, significance, or magnitude of people and things.
wonder-to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel
happy-delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing
lucky-favored, happening fortunately
blind- unwilling or unable to perceive or understand, not characterized or determined by reason or control
I'm a procrastinater. I should stop doing that... but I won't.
Today was one of the best days of my life; in the world I've created moments like this don't appear often. I want to hold on to it, but it's already gone.
FMLs are supposed to be funny, but you make me want to cry... and not in that pseudo-romantic kind of way. I hate seeing you in pain, which is ridiculous since I've never ever really seen you.
...gypsies told me we were soul mates, in a past life but not in this life, I am cursed and so are you, always reaching, never there... -Emmure
How can you call yourself my friend? It makes me itch to hear you say that. You think you're being cute? We both know, by saying those remarks, you're really saying what's on your mind, but masking it with comedy. Did I hurt you? Do I care? Saying those things don't hurt me. You've screwed yourself up enough already for me to do much harm. Maybe it's better we don't talk anymore, bcuz our relationship, it wasn't healthy. We pulled each other down, and that's not right for either of us.
So, vocab of the day anyone? Remember that or is it a forgotten concept? Sorry if I've been an absent teacher, hard when I'm still acquainting myself with the subject.
Vocabulary of the Day:
unappreciative- inability to recognize the quality, value, significance, or magnitude of people and things.
wonder-to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel
happy-delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing
lucky-favored, happening fortunately
blind- unwilling or unable to perceive or understand, not characterized or determined by reason or control
Monday, February 1, 2010
"It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To"
---I love Brenda Lee---
So, today is my birthday, and you can probably tell from my latest of my digustingly self centered blog posts. I hate birthdays, which you can probably also tell. Birthdays always make me cry, and this year was no big change. Ugg, birthdays are disgusting failures, just saying.
So, today is my birthday, and you can probably tell from my latest of my digustingly self centered blog posts. I hate birthdays, which you can probably also tell. Birthdays always make me cry, and this year was no big change. Ugg, birthdays are disgusting failures, just saying.
"Shameless"
---I love All Time Low---
The cloud of intercourse: INTERACTION, FLIRTATION, PENETRATION.
So many people have wished me a happy birthday today. Phone calls, text messages, posts on facebook. Sad thing is, I bet like not even 5% of them give a damn at all. Haha, they act like it's not so obvious. "Happy birthday! I'm so happy to have you as a friend!" Haven't spoken to you in months. "Happy birthday, sorry I couldn't make it to your party" yeah, the bar was really sorry for keeping you away. "Happy birthday!!! I love you soooo much!" Umm, yeah, looks great on facebook, but why didn't you just say it when you saw me in the hallway today. So many real people are fake. Sickens me.
In other news, bought my first lottery ticket today, and they didn't even card me! 18th birthday fail.
...i want real depth, the kind that people can sense and draw themselves to, not necessarily as a lover, but as a friend or companion they know will always be a star in the roadmap of their life. I can't create depth, though, and the best I did in the attempt was create a black hole filled with desires, and dreams of things I'll never have and emotions I'll never feel...
The cloud of intercourse: INTERACTION, FLIRTATION, PENETRATION.
So many people have wished me a happy birthday today. Phone calls, text messages, posts on facebook. Sad thing is, I bet like not even 5% of them give a damn at all. Haha, they act like it's not so obvious. "Happy birthday! I'm so happy to have you as a friend!" Haven't spoken to you in months. "Happy birthday, sorry I couldn't make it to your party" yeah, the bar was really sorry for keeping you away. "Happy birthday!!! I love you soooo much!" Umm, yeah, looks great on facebook, but why didn't you just say it when you saw me in the hallway today. So many real people are fake. Sickens me.
In other news, bought my first lottery ticket today, and they didn't even card me! 18th birthday fail.
...i want real depth, the kind that people can sense and draw themselves to, not necessarily as a lover, but as a friend or companion they know will always be a star in the roadmap of their life. I can't create depth, though, and the best I did in the attempt was create a black hole filled with desires, and dreams of things I'll never have and emotions I'll never feel...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
"I Don't Know"
---I love Lisa Hannigan---
Today is my last official day as a child. I'm surprised I've made it here. So are you excited to be turning 18? Why would I be? Nothing changes. What can I do? Buy cigarettes? Yeah, perfect, just another bad habit to fall into, to destroy my body with. Buy lotto tickets? I'm an unlucky girl. Get porn? ...hmm, that might be a plus side... just kidding... But now you have more control over your life and what you get to do. No more asking permission for parties and such. Is you serious? Something must be wrong with you, because that's not how it works in the real world. Okay, that's a lie. Alot of my friend's parents are like that. You turn 18, you're an adult, you do what you want. Not for me. NOTHING CHANGES.
Tease. Whore. Slut. Hobag.
Talked to an old friend. Used to think he was a freak. But even though he's unrealistic and too hopeful for my regular taste, talking to him felt wonderful. Hope he doesn't turn into a M----. That would be bad.
My therapist is retarded. Wait, tht's pretty politically incorrect. She's stupid. That's better, right?
I'm so happy my sister is here. I want to make her trip great. But I can't.
I hate the yelling, the arguing, my anger.
I like scary movies.
I'm not doing homework.
I want someone to talk to.
I'm glad I have you. You know who you are.
Love is overrated.
I want to love and feel it.
I want to hurt, but not just on my skin.
I miss seeing my blood.
I miss you.
Goodnight.
Today is my last official day as a child. I'm surprised I've made it here. So are you excited to be turning 18? Why would I be? Nothing changes. What can I do? Buy cigarettes? Yeah, perfect, just another bad habit to fall into, to destroy my body with. Buy lotto tickets? I'm an unlucky girl. Get porn? ...hmm, that might be a plus side... just kidding... But now you have more control over your life and what you get to do. No more asking permission for parties and such. Is you serious? Something must be wrong with you, because that's not how it works in the real world. Okay, that's a lie. Alot of my friend's parents are like that. You turn 18, you're an adult, you do what you want. Not for me. NOTHING CHANGES.
Tease. Whore. Slut. Hobag.
Talked to an old friend. Used to think he was a freak. But even though he's unrealistic and too hopeful for my regular taste, talking to him felt wonderful. Hope he doesn't turn into a M----. That would be bad.
My therapist is retarded. Wait, tht's pretty politically incorrect. She's stupid. That's better, right?
I'm so happy my sister is here. I want to make her trip great. But I can't.
I hate the yelling, the arguing, my anger.
I like scary movies.
I'm not doing homework.
I want someone to talk to.
I'm glad I have you. You know who you are.
Love is overrated.
I want to love and feel it.
I want to hurt, but not just on my skin.
I miss seeing my blood.
I miss you.
Goodnight.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
"Everything We Had"
---I love The Academy Is...---
...you'll think i'm sick when you're done reading this, but I couldn't stop myself from writing it...
It's weird how alike we are, but how completely different at the same time. I am her, and she is me. We're not gay. I love men. She loves dick... and that time I didn't mean the sporting goods store. But like the ying yang we have adopted to be ours, we are exact opposites. It's weird, cuz I finally feel like I'm getting better, and she's gone again. For the first time in a long time, she's the one that's gone. But she's not as pathetic as me. Graceful, but not in a gentle way. But I'm getting better this time. I am getting better...?
They say they're scared for me. That I'm going to kill myself. Can you believe that? I'm going to kill myself. You think I would've known. But my anger, my anxiety, my DEPRESSION is so bad, that they're worried about me. Time is of the essense with these things, you know? Anxiety pills, vitamins, and cheap antidepressants are supposed to drive me to not do something that I didn't even realize that I was going to do. Of course, they are the professionals. My dad says they're con men.
Do you know what lochia is? You don't want to know. Child development class is great!
I'm going to be 18. That means I'm supposed to start lying to my parents. I've decided to give myself a head start with this one.
You know you guys, I was normal for a little while... well normal-er. Things were bearable. I didn't think and feel all these things that makes me such a freak. For months, things were... the way it was supposed to be sorta... but I feel myself going back to that place. For a while, the headaches, constant nausea, the tiredness, followed by sleeplessness, followed by outbursts, followed by crying, followed by cutting, followed by isolation, followed by not caring, followed by caring too much... etcetc, it was gone. I got my grades back up a little. I ... well, things just got better for a while. But now I feel myself lost again. I'm not gone yet, but I'm scared of getting there. I hate being there. I mean, I guess for the last two weeks or so I've been there. Here marks the return of my "up" days and my "down" days, when everything starts to lose control, and I become a unpredictable freak.
=)
(help. please. help me)
...you'll think i'm sick when you're done reading this, but I couldn't stop myself from writing it...
It's weird how alike we are, but how completely different at the same time. I am her, and she is me. We're not gay. I love men. She loves dick... and that time I didn't mean the sporting goods store. But like the ying yang we have adopted to be ours, we are exact opposites. It's weird, cuz I finally feel like I'm getting better, and she's gone again. For the first time in a long time, she's the one that's gone. But she's not as pathetic as me. Graceful, but not in a gentle way. But I'm getting better this time. I am getting better...?
They say they're scared for me. That I'm going to kill myself. Can you believe that? I'm going to kill myself. You think I would've known. But my anger, my anxiety, my DEPRESSION is so bad, that they're worried about me. Time is of the essense with these things, you know? Anxiety pills, vitamins, and cheap antidepressants are supposed to drive me to not do something that I didn't even realize that I was going to do. Of course, they are the professionals. My dad says they're con men.
Do you know what lochia is? You don't want to know. Child development class is great!
I'm going to be 18. That means I'm supposed to start lying to my parents. I've decided to give myself a head start with this one.
You know you guys, I was normal for a little while... well normal-er. Things were bearable. I didn't think and feel all these things that makes me such a freak. For months, things were... the way it was supposed to be sorta... but I feel myself going back to that place. For a while, the headaches, constant nausea, the tiredness, followed by sleeplessness, followed by outbursts, followed by crying, followed by cutting, followed by isolation, followed by not caring, followed by caring too much... etcetc, it was gone. I got my grades back up a little. I ... well, things just got better for a while. But now I feel myself lost again. I'm not gone yet, but I'm scared of getting there. I hate being there. I mean, I guess for the last two weeks or so I've been there. Here marks the return of my "up" days and my "down" days, when everything starts to lose control, and I become a unpredictable freak.
=)
(help. please. help me)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
