---I love The Academy Is...---
...you'll think i'm sick when you're done reading this, but I couldn't stop myself from writing it...
It's weird how alike we are, but how completely different at the same time. I am her, and she is me. We're not gay. I love men. She loves dick... and that time I didn't mean the sporting goods store. But like the ying yang we have adopted to be ours, we are exact opposites. It's weird, cuz I finally feel like I'm getting better, and she's gone again. For the first time in a long time, she's the one that's gone. But she's not as pathetic as me. Graceful, but not in a gentle way. But I'm getting better this time. I am getting better...?
They say they're scared for me. That I'm going to kill myself. Can you believe that? I'm going to kill myself. You think I would've known. But my anger, my anxiety, my DEPRESSION is so bad, that they're worried about me. Time is of the essense with these things, you know? Anxiety pills, vitamins, and cheap antidepressants are supposed to drive me to not do something that I didn't even realize that I was going to do. Of course, they are the professionals. My dad says they're con men.
Do you know what lochia is? You don't want to know. Child development class is great!
I'm going to be 18. That means I'm supposed to start lying to my parents. I've decided to give myself a head start with this one.
You know you guys, I was normal for a little while... well normal-er. Things were bearable. I didn't think and feel all these things that makes me such a freak. For months, things were... the way it was supposed to be sorta... but I feel myself going back to that place. For a while, the headaches, constant nausea, the tiredness, followed by sleeplessness, followed by outbursts, followed by crying, followed by cutting, followed by isolation, followed by not caring, followed by caring too much... etcetc, it was gone. I got my grades back up a little. I ... well, things just got better for a while. But now I feel myself lost again. I'm not gone yet, but I'm scared of getting there. I hate being there. I mean, I guess for the last two weeks or so I've been there. Here marks the return of my "up" days and my "down" days, when everything starts to lose control, and I become a unpredictable freak.
=)
(help. please. help me)
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i hate that feeling. but i love it at the same time.
ReplyDeletei think i'm addicted to collecting things.
CDs, ticket stubs, posters, band stickers, cards, songs... i like having variations of one type of thing.
including scars.
i'm gone now... but i don't know if i exactly want to come back.
it's that apathetic mindset.
if no one knows, what does it matter, right?
"if no one knows, what does it matter?"
ReplyDeleteI said that to you once, remember? when we were walking back from planning our lake for bio, and we were passing the office. You told me it was bad, but you said you didn't know why.
We're smart girls, we should know why.
Tomorrow we'll be gone. and it will be very pleasant. this type of gone is beautiful, isn't it? and not in that sick kind of way. =)
i wonder if they'll wonder about the three of us. Sinamon said she's giving it more thought.
yeah, i do remember.
ReplyDeletei also remember feeling so useless because i couldn't figure out why it was bad.
maybe i was just more childish then.
like that whole... see-the-world-in-black-and-white, good vs. bad perspective.
at the time, hurting yourself seemed like the wrong thing to do.
but now it's like... why not?
but tomorrow will be beautiful (in a not-sick way). and i'm sure they will wonder. especially kim. but the three of us gone during the day? yeah, suspicious much?