"Deathbed"

---I love There For Tomorrow---



I want to be one of them and it kills me. I will never be one of them, and regardless, I have no idea who I am, so I'll just sit here and sing myself a song. Keep breathing and I'll prove them wrong. Sometimes I'm already so gone inside it scares me... No it doesn't. I can't feel right now. I don't care. I know that it sounds like I'm lying, but it's like everyth... he moved. I forgot he was there... ing is meaningless anyway, so how could I care. If I was worried, scared, in love, in hate, in anything, just not EMPTY maybe I could see past this moment. All I see is... nothing... I don't know. I know my scars are ugly. I know they hold me back. I know that since it's been a few months since a "serious episode" they are fading. I know that with my skin tone they're a lot more noticeable. I know what people would say and how awkward it make them and how wrong it's supposed to be. In a twisted way I kinda like them there. And no one stares, no one says anything to my face... well no one but megan "cutter! cutter! cutter! so, movies on friday?"... it's not proper conversation, I guess. I wouldn't care if they did ask me. I'm over it now. But the thing is, I want to cut. I like doing it on my arm. It feels best there. But they're talking about buying scar fader. What a fail if I just add new ones. I guess they suppose if I don't look down and see my flaws everyday I won't want to add more. Idk. They're FINALLY starting to fade, I can't add them there. There goes another few months of short sleeves down the drain. There are other places, but they don't feel as natural. I can't explain that to people. They are FINALLY starting to fade. I can't. But, shhh, during math class today, I couldn't take it. I went into the bathroom and... people don't see my legs very often, and people get weird marks on there all the time, so I can do that without feeling guilty. It just doesn't feel as... destined... I want to hibernate.

I'm Scared of:

... milipedes/centipedes
... heights
... males with abnormally long pinky nails
... Justin Beiber/Michael Buble
... going crazy
... tomorrow.