Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Tired, Just Tired
I'm tired of people just giving up. It's all becoming too much. Sometimes I just wish I could just sit in my closet all damn day. Give up on them for a change. But it wouldn't make a difference. I've been giving up for a while now. I'm just tired of this. I guess I'm too much of spoiled brat to realize that I should be waking up.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Day 29 Letter
Excuse me miss,
You do this for a living, don't you? So, you must know what you're doing. I put so much faith in you. I wanted you to save me. But I still hurt so badly. And you can't do anything now. I wanted help. I needed it so badly, but I can't ask anymore. I can't ask for it now. Why couldn't you fix me?
You do this for a living, don't you? So, you must know what you're doing. I put so much faith in you. I wanted you to save me. But I still hurt so badly. And you can't do anything now. I wanted help. I needed it so badly, but I can't ask anymore. I can't ask for it now. Why couldn't you fix me?
Day 6 Letter
Hey you,
You think it's okay to look at me and judge me. Because of people like you, I feel like I have to be so damn careful about myself. Because of people like you, I used to hate myself and where I came from. Do you know what it's like to feel like you're not good enough because of how you look? To feel like you're not worthy. Because of people like you, I have to write a damn book, and honestly, that wouldn't even be difficult BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU. I understand that you must feel pain, or hear things constantly, a coping mechanism for things you don't understand, and I try to justify your actions with that, but it still hurts. I can't believe that because of people like you, I can't even stop at a damn red light, without a bunch of kids in the school bus in front of me yelling things at me, making fun of me for being a "towelhead", oh, and having my life-threatened on the schoolbus, and if I hear the words, "they're so uneducated, he's not even Muslim" I'm gonna be pissed. Sure, you shouldn't stare at the Indian guy thinking he's a terrorist, and sure you're stupid cuz he's not Muslim, but just because I am, doesn't mean I'm any more deserving to be discriminated against. My mom won't even let me wear a head scarf in public, because she's scared of how people will treat me. I still can't feel comfortable looking at myself in the mirror, or wondering what people are thinking of me and my family, but I'm stronger now. So, when you hear me make terrorist jokes about myself, don't think it makes it okay. It's not. But this is who I am now, who I have to be, because if I can't make light out of it, I would barely be able to make it through a day. I will never be a blue eyed, blonde Barbie doll, but I'm also not a side-show freak, so you there, stop making me feel worse about myself, because you don't know me. You don't know my decisions. And no matter who you think you are, you will never understand what I've been through because of people like you.
You think it's okay to look at me and judge me. Because of people like you, I feel like I have to be so damn careful about myself. Because of people like you, I used to hate myself and where I came from. Do you know what it's like to feel like you're not good enough because of how you look? To feel like you're not worthy. Because of people like you, I have to write a damn book, and honestly, that wouldn't even be difficult BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU. I understand that you must feel pain, or hear things constantly, a coping mechanism for things you don't understand, and I try to justify your actions with that, but it still hurts. I can't believe that because of people like you, I can't even stop at a damn red light, without a bunch of kids in the school bus in front of me yelling things at me, making fun of me for being a "towelhead", oh, and having my life-threatened on the schoolbus, and if I hear the words, "they're so uneducated, he's not even Muslim" I'm gonna be pissed. Sure, you shouldn't stare at the Indian guy thinking he's a terrorist, and sure you're stupid cuz he's not Muslim, but just because I am, doesn't mean I'm any more deserving to be discriminated against. My mom won't even let me wear a head scarf in public, because she's scared of how people will treat me. I still can't feel comfortable looking at myself in the mirror, or wondering what people are thinking of me and my family, but I'm stronger now. So, when you hear me make terrorist jokes about myself, don't think it makes it okay. It's not. But this is who I am now, who I have to be, because if I can't make light out of it, I would barely be able to make it through a day. I will never be a blue eyed, blonde Barbie doll, but I'm also not a side-show freak, so you there, stop making me feel worse about myself, because you don't know me. You don't know my decisions. And no matter who you think you are, you will never understand what I've been through because of people like you.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Tales of Packrat...
...going through one of my old notebooks I find this...
Every day, every day, every day
She cries, she cries, she cries
Every day, every day, every day
She'll try, she'll try, she tries
They all expect her to be nice and warm all of the time
All they're really doing is making her cold inside her heart
She wants to block them out, so she just pulls away
Now she's just like them, and that's the saddest part.
She will dance and act like ti's okay
And she will twirl to get out of this place
She will sing and hope it sets her free
She can draw because she knows you'll never see
It's just impossible to learn how to believe.
I can't believe I wrote this. It's so pointless. For so long, I was one of those girls.
Every day, every day, every day
She cries, she cries, she cries
Every day, every day, every day
She'll try, she'll try, she tries
They all expect her to be nice and warm all of the time
All they're really doing is making her cold inside her heart
She wants to block them out, so she just pulls away
Now she's just like them, and that's the saddest part.
She will dance and act like ti's okay
And she will twirl to get out of this place
She will sing and hope it sets her free
She can draw because she knows you'll never see
It's just impossible to learn how to believe.
I can't believe I wrote this. It's so pointless. For so long, I was one of those girls.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Day 25 Letter
Dear You,
You think that no one really wants you, and maybe that's sorta true, but it's really not your fault, even if we all act like it is. You're the easiest target, a scape goat really, and that causes resentment, but I'm sure that even if you can understand, it's really no worthy excuse. I wish that I, or anyone, could save you, carry you to the land of butterflies and flowers, stress-free, the way it's supposed to be, but I can't. We can't. You're too guarded, too tangled, deep in all the hate, and the selfishness, and the pain that we don't know how to fight through to get to you. So, there you are, almost lost to us. A shame really.
.Turtle.
You think that no one really wants you, and maybe that's sorta true, but it's really not your fault, even if we all act like it is. You're the easiest target, a scape goat really, and that causes resentment, but I'm sure that even if you can understand, it's really no worthy excuse. I wish that I, or anyone, could save you, carry you to the land of butterflies and flowers, stress-free, the way it's supposed to be, but I can't. We can't. You're too guarded, too tangled, deep in all the hate, and the selfishness, and the pain that we don't know how to fight through to get to you. So, there you are, almost lost to us. A shame really.
.Turtle.
Can old dogs learn new tricks?
People could be so much happier if they could learn to just let some things go. Some things are important and life-changing, I realize that, but most things that people stress over are so useless, just a waste of time. Stop being so negetive, please, it rubs off on everyone around you when we just want to enjoy ourselves.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
"Fear of Flying"
---I love A Rocket to the Moon---
Lately it seems like I have more regret than anything else. Maybe I should just let things go, but I can't, so I'm just filled with regret. In searching for so much more I miss what's in front of me. I've stolen this from my brain twin, but just like her, I don't follow rules. I wonder what we'll learn from Ms. Turtle.
30Letters: 30 Days
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Lately it seems like I have more regret than anything else. Maybe I should just let things go, but I can't, so I'm just filled with regret. In searching for so much more I miss what's in front of me. I've stolen this from my brain twin, but just like her, I don't follow rules. I wonder what we'll learn from Ms. Turtle.
30Letters: 30 Days
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
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