"Deathbed"

---I love There For Tomorrow---



I want to be one of them and it kills me. I will never be one of them, and regardless, I have no idea who I am, so I'll just sit here and sing myself a song. Keep breathing and I'll prove them wrong. Sometimes I'm already so gone inside it scares me... No it doesn't. I can't feel right now. I don't care. I know that it sounds like I'm lying, but it's like everyth... he moved. I forgot he was there... ing is meaningless anyway, so how could I care. If I was worried, scared, in love, in hate, in anything, just not EMPTY maybe I could see past this moment. All I see is... nothing... I don't know. I know my scars are ugly. I know they hold me back. I know that since it's been a few months since a "serious episode" they are fading. I know that with my skin tone they're a lot more noticeable. I know what people would say and how awkward it make them and how wrong it's supposed to be. In a twisted way I kinda like them there. And no one stares, no one says anything to my face... well no one but megan "cutter! cutter! cutter! so, movies on friday?"... it's not proper conversation, I guess. I wouldn't care if they did ask me. I'm over it now. But the thing is, I want to cut. I like doing it on my arm. It feels best there. But they're talking about buying scar fader. What a fail if I just add new ones. I guess they suppose if I don't look down and see my flaws everyday I won't want to add more. Idk. They're FINALLY starting to fade, I can't add them there. There goes another few months of short sleeves down the drain. There are other places, but they don't feel as natural. I can't explain that to people. They are FINALLY starting to fade. I can't. But, shhh, during math class today, I couldn't take it. I went into the bathroom and... people don't see my legs very often, and people get weird marks on there all the time, so I can do that without feeling guilty. It just doesn't feel as... destined... I want to hibernate.

I'm Scared of:

... milipedes/centipedes
... heights
... males with abnormally long pinky nails
... Justin Beiber/Michael Buble
... going crazy
... tomorrow.

"Whaddaya Want From Me?"

...I love Adam Lambert...

Creep.

Nothing worth writing. Nothing worth reading.

Whenever I'm really upset, I turn to him. Why? I don't know. Stupid? Of course it is, but when did anything I do ever make sense. It's not like I even expect him to help, he doesn't. He digusts me... but yet everytime... I would just delete him from my phone, but I figure it's better to talk to someone that disgusts me, then to talk to nobody, right?

So, I thought that cutting was going to be a teenage thing. You know, something I'd easily age out of, and even though I'm still a teenager, I'm an adult now. I should know better. But nothing ever turns out as planned. It's followed me into adulthood, and I'm not sure what my excuse is this time.

I can't believe she told my dad. Well, I guess I can believe it, but still, I did not want my dad to know. He didn't really react, but I'm not upset over that. It's not some big shock anymore, it barely seems to matter anymore. I didn't want attention, so I don't think I mind, but I don't feel any better, so I don't know.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!

I don't know what the point of this was, I can't think through anything right now, so this entire blog was a waste of space.

Turtle.

P.S. I'm sick. It fucking sucks.

"With You"

---I love Jessica Simpson---

I know it's not right, and I know that I don't actually like him, that I just like the attention, and I know that by this time next week, I won't even be able to recognize him by name, but, for tonight, I can't sleep.

"Blame, Blame, Blame"

---I love Ferras---

I'm a procrastinater. I should stop doing that... but I won't.

Today was one of the best days of my life; in the world I've created moments like this don't appear often. I want to hold on to it, but it's already gone.

FMLs are supposed to be funny, but you make me want to cry... and not in that pseudo-romantic kind of way. I hate seeing you in pain, which is ridiculous since I've never ever really seen you.

...gypsies told me we were soul mates, in a past life but not in this life, I am cursed and so are you, always reaching, never there... -Emmure

How can you call yourself my friend? It makes me itch to hear you say that. You think you're being cute? We both know, by saying those remarks, you're really saying what's on your mind, but masking it with comedy. Did I hurt you? Do I care? Saying those things don't hurt me. You've screwed yourself up enough already for me to do much harm. Maybe it's better we don't talk anymore, bcuz our relationship, it wasn't healthy. We pulled each other down, and that's not right for either of us.

So, vocab of the day anyone? Remember that or is it a forgotten concept? Sorry if I've been an absent teacher, hard when I'm still acquainting myself with the subject.

Vocabulary of the Day:

unappreciative- inability to recognize the quality, value, significance, or magnitude of people and things.

wonder-to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel

happy-delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing

lucky-favored, happening fortunately

blind- unwilling or unable to perceive or understand, not characterized or determined by reason or control

"It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To"

---I love Brenda Lee---

So, today is my birthday, and you can probably tell from my latest of my digustingly self centered blog posts. I hate birthdays, which you can probably also tell. Birthdays always make me cry, and this year was no big change. Ugg, birthdays are disgusting failures, just saying.

"Shameless"

---I love All Time Low---

The cloud of intercourse: INTERACTION, FLIRTATION, PENETRATION.

So many people have wished me a happy birthday today. Phone calls, text messages, posts on facebook. Sad thing is, I bet like not even 5% of them give a damn at all. Haha, they act like it's not so obvious. "Happy birthday! I'm so happy to have you as a friend!" Haven't spoken to you in months. "Happy birthday, sorry I couldn't make it to your party" yeah, the bar was really sorry for keeping you away. "Happy birthday!!! I love you soooo much!" Umm, yeah, looks great on facebook, but why didn't you just say it when you saw me in the hallway today. So many real people are fake. Sickens me.

In other news, bought my first lottery ticket today, and they didn't even card me! 18th birthday fail.

...i want real depth, the kind that people can sense and draw themselves to, not necessarily as a lover, but as a friend or companion they know will always be a star in the roadmap of their life. I can't create depth, though, and the best I did in the attempt was create a black hole filled with desires, and dreams of things I'll never have and emotions I'll never feel...