I've never felt lonelier or more ashamed than I do. Why can't I ever just do what's best for myself, instead of just repeating my mistakes? Just more of the same, the same desires, dissatisfactions, choices. It's all the same.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Vacation...
So, I'm going out of town for two weeks. We'll see how this goes. I'm not particularly excited, but I'm sure when we get there, it'll be great. I just can't shake this weird bad feeling like this is the calm before the storm. Well, let's just pray I get home in one piece and everything will work out well for Warped Tour. Well, anyway, vacation means very limited (basically no) internet connection, and limited phone use as well. I'm not complaining, just saying. Feeling like I'm being zapped back to the 90s. Jkjk.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Mostly Useless
I wanted to mark my progress.
Done:
Day 6 - A stranger
Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 25 - The person you know is going through the worst of times
Day 29 - The person you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid to.
Left To Do:
Day 1 - Your Best Friend
Day 2 - Your Crush
Day 3 - Your parents
Day 4 - Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 - Your Dreams
Day 7 - Your Ex-Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Crush/Love
Day 8 - Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 - Someone You Wish You Could Meet
Day 11 - A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To
Day 12 - The Person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15- The person you miss the most
Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood
Day 18 - The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad
Day 20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 - The last person you kissed
Day 24 - The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 - Someone that changed your life
Day 30 - Your reflection in the mirror
Done:
Day 6 - A stranger
Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 25 - The person you know is going through the worst of times
Day 29 - The person you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid to.
Left To Do:
Day 1 - Your Best Friend
Day 2 - Your Crush
Day 3 - Your parents
Day 4 - Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 - Your Dreams
Day 7 - Your Ex-Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Crush/Love
Day 8 - Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 - Someone You Wish You Could Meet
Day 11 - A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To
Day 12 - The Person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15- The person you miss the most
Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood
Day 18 - The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad
Day 20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 - The last person you kissed
Day 24 - The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 - Someone that changed your life
Day 30 - Your reflection in the mirror
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Tired, Just Tired
I'm tired of people just giving up. It's all becoming too much. Sometimes I just wish I could just sit in my closet all damn day. Give up on them for a change. But it wouldn't make a difference. I've been giving up for a while now. I'm just tired of this. I guess I'm too much of spoiled brat to realize that I should be waking up.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Day 29 Letter
Excuse me miss,
You do this for a living, don't you? So, you must know what you're doing. I put so much faith in you. I wanted you to save me. But I still hurt so badly. And you can't do anything now. I wanted help. I needed it so badly, but I can't ask anymore. I can't ask for it now. Why couldn't you fix me?
You do this for a living, don't you? So, you must know what you're doing. I put so much faith in you. I wanted you to save me. But I still hurt so badly. And you can't do anything now. I wanted help. I needed it so badly, but I can't ask anymore. I can't ask for it now. Why couldn't you fix me?
Day 6 Letter
Hey you,
You think it's okay to look at me and judge me. Because of people like you, I feel like I have to be so damn careful about myself. Because of people like you, I used to hate myself and where I came from. Do you know what it's like to feel like you're not good enough because of how you look? To feel like you're not worthy. Because of people like you, I have to write a damn book, and honestly, that wouldn't even be difficult BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU. I understand that you must feel pain, or hear things constantly, a coping mechanism for things you don't understand, and I try to justify your actions with that, but it still hurts. I can't believe that because of people like you, I can't even stop at a damn red light, without a bunch of kids in the school bus in front of me yelling things at me, making fun of me for being a "towelhead", oh, and having my life-threatened on the schoolbus, and if I hear the words, "they're so uneducated, he's not even Muslim" I'm gonna be pissed. Sure, you shouldn't stare at the Indian guy thinking he's a terrorist, and sure you're stupid cuz he's not Muslim, but just because I am, doesn't mean I'm any more deserving to be discriminated against. My mom won't even let me wear a head scarf in public, because she's scared of how people will treat me. I still can't feel comfortable looking at myself in the mirror, or wondering what people are thinking of me and my family, but I'm stronger now. So, when you hear me make terrorist jokes about myself, don't think it makes it okay. It's not. But this is who I am now, who I have to be, because if I can't make light out of it, I would barely be able to make it through a day. I will never be a blue eyed, blonde Barbie doll, but I'm also not a side-show freak, so you there, stop making me feel worse about myself, because you don't know me. You don't know my decisions. And no matter who you think you are, you will never understand what I've been through because of people like you.
You think it's okay to look at me and judge me. Because of people like you, I feel like I have to be so damn careful about myself. Because of people like you, I used to hate myself and where I came from. Do you know what it's like to feel like you're not good enough because of how you look? To feel like you're not worthy. Because of people like you, I have to write a damn book, and honestly, that wouldn't even be difficult BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU. I understand that you must feel pain, or hear things constantly, a coping mechanism for things you don't understand, and I try to justify your actions with that, but it still hurts. I can't believe that because of people like you, I can't even stop at a damn red light, without a bunch of kids in the school bus in front of me yelling things at me, making fun of me for being a "towelhead", oh, and having my life-threatened on the schoolbus, and if I hear the words, "they're so uneducated, he's not even Muslim" I'm gonna be pissed. Sure, you shouldn't stare at the Indian guy thinking he's a terrorist, and sure you're stupid cuz he's not Muslim, but just because I am, doesn't mean I'm any more deserving to be discriminated against. My mom won't even let me wear a head scarf in public, because she's scared of how people will treat me. I still can't feel comfortable looking at myself in the mirror, or wondering what people are thinking of me and my family, but I'm stronger now. So, when you hear me make terrorist jokes about myself, don't think it makes it okay. It's not. But this is who I am now, who I have to be, because if I can't make light out of it, I would barely be able to make it through a day. I will never be a blue eyed, blonde Barbie doll, but I'm also not a side-show freak, so you there, stop making me feel worse about myself, because you don't know me. You don't know my decisions. And no matter who you think you are, you will never understand what I've been through because of people like you.
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