December 2...

is way too far away. I hate waiting!

"Hug Me"

---I love Meg & Dia---

Shut up,
Stop speaking
It's my turn now.
No time
For breathing
We're both falling down.

What's bothering me? Ha, funny that you'd ask...

Annoyance #1: My iPod, Donny, (yes, I named my iPod, and no, that is not immature) decided that even he wants to mess with me and declared that Chris Brown's face is the actual CD cover for Here, Here and Here by Meg & Dia. Everytime I go to turn up the volume, there is Chris Brown, staring at me. Argh.

Annoyance #2: My mother is worried that I am going to try to murder her.... well, actually, that one tickles me a little bit. She even locked the gun away. Nice.

Annoyance #3: My dad is pissed off at me because the suicidal thoughts that my mom is convinced that I'm having is such an inconvenience for him. He's convinced that all I need to do to change back into who I used to be is take some vitamins and exercise more.

Annoyance #4: I've realized that I've become quite the complainer lately, or maybe I'm just losing my grip, I don't know, but it's like everyone is walking on eggshells around me, even my mother won't do her playful guilt teasing thing, because she's scared I'll just fall apart. My friends are even saying I need help; when did I get so lost?

Annoyance #5: My doctor and my mom could be best friends. They have very similar interests.

Annoyance #6: I really want to call him up and say "I don't owe you anything. I don't like you. Get over it. You have no chance with me. You're needy, you disgust me, and that is honestly the truth. I don't care enough about you to avoid you. Do you still "love" me now?"

Awkard Silences More Extended than that Stupid Essay I turned in Last Week:

-ARE YOU SUICIDAL?

-YOU CAN TELL ME ANYTHING. liar.

-WHY DO YOU WANT TO SEE HIM?

-YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, RIGHT?

-DO YOU LIKE TO SEE ME CRY?

-YOU'RE SUCH A SMART GIRL, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?

-IT'S SICK THAT YOU LIKE PAIN. i never said that.

-WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

-YOU'RE PRETTY, BUT YOU KNOW THAT.

-YOU NEED HELP

- I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU. liar.

- IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS.

-OF COURSE I UNDERSTAND, I KNOW YOU.

-WHY?


My mother is amazing. We were watching some E! Investigates special about a girl who goes missing, and upon seeing her, my mom comments on how pretty she is. Only she said it in a really judgemental way. Like "why would they kill her, she's soooo pretty," and like it sounds like a normal thing to say, but it was something in her voice which made it a ridiculous statement, I can't explain, maybe it was a "you had to have been there" kinda thing. I don't know. So I ask her, "why do you say that? if she was ugly would she have been more deserving to die?"... She makes that confused innocent face. "No, it's just that it's sad that such a horrible thing happened to her, and I wanted to give her a compliment..." This confuses me, so I say "so what if she'd been ugly? would you have said the same thing?" She says, "No, if she had been ugly, I would have called her smart." Nice.

Oh! And I almost forgot to say. For Halloween, I was Captain Underpants. It was pretty kickass.

"Orgasmatron"

---I Love Avenue D---

I just think of you and I smile.
You raise my spirits, make me laugh and dance again.
You make me blush with just a glance,
Giggle with a word.
I feel like I'm flying, caught up in a whirlwind,
With little more than a mention of you.
This unexplainable connection that you'll never understand,
All I know is that it makes me feel alive.

I just finished my EE. It's actually finished. Like I'm turning it in in the morning and it'll be over... Well, at least that step of this seemingly eternal journey to (probably not) getting my IB diploma is over. Now I have time to think about other stuff. Haha, actually, let me skip on the thinking part and just move forward onto, now I have permission to go out and do stuff without feeling totally guilty... well, at least for this weekend... then it's back to college apps, ToK essays, World Lit papers, biology experiments, math hl projects... hmm, so, like within 10 seconds I managed to talk myself down from feeling amazing for getting that beast of a paper over with, to feeling like total crap. Wonderful.

"Ain't No Rest for the Wicked"

---I love Cage the Elephant---

I think lately I've been sleepwalking... and sleeptexting...

"Vices"

---I love Silverstein---


I thought we were having a real moment here
But you did what you do and you've let me down
So let's just flash back to the moment we were faking
And I'll pretend I didn't listen to every breath and sigh.
Because even at that part when I'm on the ground shaking
I'll keep pretending that you never made me cry.

So, yeah, I think it's pretty funny that I was inspired to write that one by an episode of Sonny with a Chance. Just like me, huh?

Okay, so dude, I lied about who I was talking to yesterday. I was talking to him. For 2 hours. Well, 2 hours and 9 minutes. I lie to you more than you think that I do. I'm not sure whether or not I'm sorry yet. Ha, if it makes you feel better you're the person that I'm second most honest with. I don't know what happened that made that change from last year, but I guess it's because this year you're not the only person anymore. I'm scared of losing you. But when we're together, hanging out, out of school, it feels like that's never gonna happen. When we're together, hanging out, out of school.

So, you called me a close-minded, cold-hearted bitch then you ask me out. Nice. Did you really think I would say yes? Seriously? Hahaha, you should know by now, I don't feel sorry for you. You can't make me feel sorry for you.

How can someone who is so much in their own world see me so easily? And how can you be so blind? I miss when we used to talk.

Oh, and she read my notebook. My pretty, red one. The one that I'm working on covering with stickers and tickets stubs and campiagning memorabilia. She read it. Every song, every doodle, every word. She used to be so flawless. Did I just imagine that? Why do you always disappoint me? EVERY song, EVERY doodle, EVERY song. She said I was good writer, but I was dark, which really isn't her thing. She prefers to live in the world of flowers and butterflies and beautiful smiles. Of perfection? She made me promise that the next song I would write is a love song. When should I tell her I don't believe in "love"? At least I don't believe in what she thinks of as love, because although she's much older, my eyes are actually open, and I know now that THAT version doesn't exist. I guess I'll try to write a feel-good song. A love song. With butterflies. I bet you would like that. I bet. Oh, and by the way, you don't really believe that is about vampires, do you?

Vocabulary of the Day:

cynical-bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic (am i?)

close-minded- intolerant of the beliefs and opinions of others; stubbornly unreceptive to new ideas (am i?)

cold-hearted- lacking sympathy or feeling; indifferent; unkind. (am i?)

bitch- a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person. (am i?)

I think I forgot who I really am. Have I just been faking for that long, or do "I" even exist yet? I wish you were still here to remind me who I really am.

"Can You Keep a Secret?"

---I love The Cab---

Writing my way out of a hole
Crawling my way into the light
Up or down? Which is worse baby?
Whatever gets me through the night.

So, I cried today. I cried totally unaided, out of the blue, and it shocked me. I hated it. So, you may ask what upset me. To be honest, I'm not sure. All I know is that one minute I'm doing my Biology homework, and the next I'm crying uncontrollably. I hardly ever cry. At least, not when I need to. Can't even force myself to. But today, somehow reading about the differences between hydrostatic pressure and turgor pressure moved me to tears. Weird.

"Moving for the Sake of Motion"

---I love Underoath---


The words in my diary,
they hurt so much I can barely stand them
But I'll give them all to you
If that's what you ask for.

So, why is it that whenever you expect too much from people, they always let you down, but when you expect too little, you get nothing at all? I'm tired of recycled ideas, recycled conversations, and recycled emotions. He told me to look back at that moment I changed, it was a really obvious shift, maybe if I could trace it, I could find the root of my problems, I could be the old me again. He thinks they changed me, or maybe made me want to change myself. Well, maybe it has nothing to do with them. Maybe the old me is gone. Maybe this is who I really am, and I was tired of faking, pretending that I cared or that I was satisfied. Maybe THEY didn't change me at all; maybe they just happened to be there to witness my fall, so that I'd have people to drag down with me. You don't think I'd let myself fall alone, did you? Regardless, why did you even bring them into this? Why does everyone bring them into this? Do you all honestly think I'm that great girl you claim that I can be? Because, honestly, I don't even know anymore. I mean, maybe I should be trying harder to listen to your advice. You're just trying to help me survive. Or maybe the pep talk was to ease your own conscience. I don't know. I can't even think through an entire thought right now. I'm just tired.

I remember when I used to be so good at reading people, I miss it.
Lol, don't. You can't go back. This is who you are now. It'll change, but you'll never see it coming, so don't bother to try holding your breath for it.
Maybe I should warn people that I'm a bad mood before they ask for advice...

"If Only They Knew"

---I love A Rocket to the Moon---

You paint your face
To feel brand new.
Never enough make-up
To cover your wounds.

So supposedly I'm smart. Naturally so, with the ability to take it information, regurgitate it, and when all else failed, BS until even I believe what I was saying. That used to matter to me. I used to care about being the smartest, the neatest, the one that teachers called home to remind parents of how wonderful their little one was. That used to matter. I used to be scared of punishment, scared of a failing grade, a raised voice, a threatening tone. Now the only thing that scares me is the realization that all that used to matter is so shallow now. I'm scared of myself, I'm scared of never feeling normal again. Always caring too much about what people say, yet never willing to change myself into someone that people would care about. They call me the crazy one? How do I prove them right? Up or down, indifferent or paranoid, silent or hyperactive, critical, mean, cynical, a constant ray of sunshine, a laugh, a smile, a tease, a skank, a prude? I'm never sure. I've been called them all. Sometimes when they joke that I'm bipolar, I want to scream, maybe I am, maybe I need help, but then I feel stupid. It's just a joke. There is no way that anything is actually wrong with me, not like that. If there was, something would've happened by now. Something dramatic, and scary, and bad, and noticeable, right? Someone would've figured it out. I just plant crazy ideas in my own head, and somehow my mind reacts to conform to it. I guess, I just wanted to create someone worth noticing, someone worth knowing, but one of the first laws of science is that you can't create something out of nothing. Can you?

In IB they want to create deep thinkers. They've spent the last year pounding our heads in Theory of Knowledge trying to see if maybe there was anything in there worth talking about. Giving us essays, and presentations; making us debate, argue and just share our feelings. In the last year the clearest revelation I've had was this (written on the back of an essay which apparently could never scratch more than the surface) and never to be seen by the eyes of my teacher who must think I'm apparently brain dead:

I was just thinking earlier about how I wasn't a very deep thinker. Sure, I overthink and overanalyze things, everyone knows that, but all of that, it's just shallow, just dusting off the sand and scratching the concrete, instead of digging in the dirt beside it. But then I thought, if I judged the worth of my thoughts on someone else's design of deepness, then I'd just be failling into a hole of... well, nothingness. I think that's even worse than drowning, because with drowning, it's the fear of hitting the bottom, but with nothing, once you dive in, where does it end?

I don't know, I just thought it was significant in some way.

"Start of Something New"

---I love High School Musical---


Time for the truth now,
Tell me you hate me,
I don't care anymore.
Distraction's a blessing,
Stop feeling so guilty,
I've been through much worse.

So today children, before you can completely delve into learning the inner workings of Turtle, the typical teenage girl, one must first have some background knowledge. A bit of vocabulary to help them understand the course. Study them closely, because the way they work within the subject is significant. The way they relate and intertwine is deliberate, although the reasons why are still unknown. They will come in handy later, that is certain. This will be a hard topic to master, but with some time, maybe we can figure out what makes Turtle work, what makes her tick, what makes her real. Are you ready?

Vocabulary of the Day:

addict- to surrender (oneself) habitually or compulsively to something.

injure- to cause physical harm to or to damage.

mutilate- 1. to cripple or maim 2. to make imperfect by seriously damaging a part.

self-destruct- to destroy oneself.

loss- 1. the damage or suffering that is caused by losing 2. one that is lost

empty- 1. containing nothing 2. lacking substance

hope- to want or wish for with a feeling of confident expectation of its fulfillment.

letdown- a decrease in energy.

fear- a state of dread or apprehension

doubt- to tend to distrust

gone- 1. dead 2. ruined 3. used up

believe- to accept as real or true

selfless- without thought to oneself

eternity- 1. all time without beginning or end. 2. a seemingly endless time.

repent- 1. to feel regret or remorse. 2. to resolve to reform oneself morally.

purge- to make clean or pure, especially to free from sin or guilt.

sacrifice- 1. forfeiture of something valuable for the sake of something else. 2. a loss.

bleed- 1. to extract, emit or lose blood 2. to be wounded 3. to feel sympathetic grief.

perfection- the state or quality of being complete or flawless

fake- having a false or misleading appearance, one that is not genuine or authetic.

lie- to give a false impression

safe- 1. secure from harm, danger or evil 2. free from injury or danger: unhurt

protect- to guard from harm from harm or injury

harm- 1. physical or emotional injury or damage 2. wickedness

facade- an artificial or deceptive outward appearance.

untold- incalculable.

secret- 1. kept from general knowledge 2. operating in a hidden manner 3. beyond common understanding.