"Mouth Shut"

---I love The Veronicas---

It's supposed to be hard to keep secrets, but when it's something you're ashamed of, it can sometimes be the easiest thing in the world.

Shame is different than guilt. Guilt indicates regret. It spills from your lips, begs to be drained from your pores, so you can be rid of it. You genuinely wish the act that has created it had never been commited. A secret drenched in guilt is the hardest to keep, because something within you just wants to expell it. Let it be gone forever, let it never be back. Shame is different than guilt.

Shame is different than guilt. Shame leads to awkward silences, no words at all. Shame is desire. When guilt begs to be freed, shame wants to fade and hide away. No words, no words. Shame is the secret, so by not speaking, the secret is not created, it is maintained. What is shame? What? So naive now? You've felt it. Something so wrong, you knwo you shouldn't have done it, thought it, felt it, but honestly, something in you enjoys it, or doesn't want it to change. You know it's wrong, but you don't feel it, you can't convince yourself to believe it. If you want it so bad, and it feels so good, why is it wrong? Why should you stop? If you know it was the only option, and you wouldn't take it back, why is it wrong? Why confess? If it's so wrong, but you believe in it so much, what's wrong with you?

So this one is all my own. A guilty pleasure so deep, it's not for my brain twin, not for Nadine. For me and for God. I don't want to give it up, and He knows where it ends, so no need for sharing now. For now, it's just our little secret.

...You thought you knew me but you don't, you say you'll love me but you wont, when you find out who I am...

"Misfit"

---I love Lesley Roy---

Best friends one minute, acquaintances the next. Who am I to you?

"Maybe it's a good thing that you have no connections with any of them, it'll make the transition easier." I don't want my mom to think I have no friends, just another socially retarded freak. I hate never being able to "fit in". Forget being unique, forget having more substance, forget being real, they have so much I don't. "But.... but... so may people signed your yearbook, that's not the mark of a girl with no friends." I finally understand why they say 'ignorance is bliss', I wish I could be blind.

At least I have her sometimes. Sometimes. But all that they say, the constant fly in my ear, all that I can see around me, it makes me paranoid, untrusting. What are your motives? What do you want from me? They all have their ideas.

Unwanted, unloveable, unbeautiful, that's all they say to me.

But alas, this is the curse of the outsider, the black sheep, the misunderstood. Hahaha, only Carrie understands me. But I'm not one to spill blood... well, not anyone else's anyway.

I look in the mirror and I want to destroy the misfit looking back at me; it's not her fault, she can't help it.

"Forget December"

---I love Something Corporate---

My head hurts really bad. REALLY BAD. I feel nauseous and just drained beyond belief. Haha, maybe you're right, maybe it's good she counts her pills. When it's like this, I can't handle it. I don't know how to take care of myself. So I lay there, on the kitchen floor, just trying to find the strength to pick myself up. I wish my household had a mute button. I think I would be a whole lot healthier if I could drown all of it out once in a while. They say I don't listen to anything they say, but it's not true. I try to listen, but then it all just hurts. They say things that hurt. And they yell, and they're just all so loud. They say my screamo music is bad, they should hear themselves. Now, that is something to scramble the brains. And they never hear me. How is that fair? I want to tell them things, but they don't hear me. THEY NEVER LISTEN. How can they know me, when they never listen? I wish I could find a mute button. Instead, I try to drown it out, and it drains me, and I find myself fallling asleep at 6pm, when I should be studying. Maybe it's better if I'm the only one who's quiet tonight.

...and if I'm talking, my words are mocking the deaf ears they have fallen on...

Life Path 6...

Sixes are nurturers. If men, they rescue damsels in distress. If women, they mother the "little boy" in their men. They should manage or run the company. If every thing is going smoothly, they must be careful not to ruin it. They tend to put people on pedestals which then topple. Magnetic. People are drawn to them. Their moods affect the room.



Yeah, I don't think so. Numerology sucks. =P

"Jenny"

---I love The Click 5---

I know it's wrong, that I'm supposed to like my unique-ness, my dark skin, my mysterious eyes, my thick, killer hair, my spicy nature, etcetc, but darn, sometimes I really do wish I were white. The skinny, pretty one with blonde hair and blue eyes, that can actually shop at Charlotte Russe and fit into the dresses (blonde hair/blue eyes optional). The girl that, in theory, should blend in, since she and all her friends look like clones, but actually shines. I know it's wrong, but sometimes I get tired of the terrorist jokes, the random kids on buses who yell towelhead out the window, the constant questions and walking on eggshells, my burnt color, the dark pits of despair tht show no character behind my lashes, the frizzy mess I have to straighten constantly just to keep it from knotting, and everyone saying I'm different, that I don't belong.

We're all so quiet, we're all so quiet. Until we can't be. I always say that I wish I could be the silent one, but I can't be. I just explode with words and thoughts. I dislike that about me.

I can barely even remember being 17.

I love going through Facebook and finding tagged pictures of yourself you never even knew existed.

IB kids are awesome. This is when my Biology class decided to arrange ourselves into a color scale last year. =D

Wacky Tacky Day. =D

The last day of classes this year. =D

"Black Magic Woman"

---I love Santana---

ihop= international house of pancakes, who would've thought?

Worried, panicked, confused? Well, how about I make it worse? Take advantage of you when you're down? Don't worry, it's chill. I work with God. *when*i*say*godblessyou*do*you*feel*secure*?*

All this talk about black magic and dark auras is freaking me out. I mean, I want something to believe in. Anything. Things aren't getting fixed fast enough. That's prolly why I bought in so easily to the idea of medication. I just want relief. But nothing is ever followed through, and I'm always left stuck. I want to believe, I really want to believe, but I can't, so I just check out. I just go somewhere else, let them blame it on my youth. "I can't advise you, I'm just a child." I don't know what to believe, but I need something. I'm not looking for religion, I've got that. At least, I have enough of what I need, but that doesn't help with this. I'm too impatient. So, I don't know what to do, or say.

...She got me so blind, I can't see, but she's a black magic woman and she's trying to make a devil out of me...

So...

I was watching the Can't Be Tamed video by Miley Cyrus. Who's gonna tell her she looks like an idiot? I mean, I get what she's trying to do, but the poor girl kinda failed. Majorly. She says that she can't be changed, so why does this video remind me of something later Britney mixed with Lady Gaga, then innocentcized just a bit? We might not know Miley, but she doesn't seem to either.

Oh, and on this whole celebrity topic, I turn on MTV, and see those Aly and AJ girls giving their dog low-lights. Wtf? Seriously? That HAS to be unhealthy for the poor dog.






Oh, and just so you know, Michael Buble and Bubba Sparxxx are currently tied for creepiest white guys I've witnessed.













I always feel so bad for those teen moms on Maury. Oh, but their voices do get so annoying. I wonder if anything ever changes if he says you are the dad.


Holy shit, Bubba Sparxxx just won. He looks like Scheloske.

Just answer me this...

What makes them so worth it, when I'm not? Why are they so damn special?

Oh, sweetie, you look like walking death.

"Marvelous Things"

---I love Eisley---

"I love you"
*awkward*silence*
"Let's just pretend you didn't say that"
"No. I love you, Alyssa"
I hate when people use those naughty words.

Yesterday I was excited. Today, I'm not.

So, this morning I gave my mom her mother's day gift, and she cried, in a good way. She's truly dreading next year. No one wants to be alone.

I went to a psychic last night. It was intense. She says I have a dark aura, that I was born with a very light one but it's darkened over the years, but I can fix that, and that my life will be wonderful. It sounds amazing. Once I get my career going, money will never be a problem, I'll meet my soulmate, he'll be financially well off, I'll only marry once and have four kids (3 boys and a girl). It sounds nice. It sounds so different from my life now. So normal and perfect and pleasant. She said that as soon as I get there with not much trouble Mount Holyoke will become my home. I will fit in and find friends, and be happy. I just need to fix my damn aura. She said that I'm a sensitive person. I care more about others than myself. I want to help everyone but will never ask for help. I internalize things way too easily. That I make everyone else's problems my own. That I'm a natural born worrier. I never talk about what's wrong, and that bubbles within me, causing me to have a lot of anger. I don't trust people, and won't let them in, and because I put up such a wall, people back down, making me believe that no one loves me or that I'm unloveable, but that's untrue. I'm filled with insecurity and all the worst problems in my life come from within. I'll always have a rocky relationship with my mother, but we'll work through that. I'll have a falling out with someone in my family, but despite this, I'll be happier without them in my life. And, all those guys in my life I get bored of? It's actually a good thing. See, it doesn't matter that I go through guys so easily, moving from one to the next, because none of them really matter bcuz none are my soulmate. It's okay to have fun. Oh, and there's a shy boy who has his eye on me. He's not my soulmate, but I should give him a chance for now. In the future, the way that I know that my soulmate has truly be found is because it happens naturally, and I'm not scared. I'll die of old age. I have nothing to worry about. Everything will work out.

I personally think I've gotten quite a good deal here. I mean, other than the popping out four aliens out of my vagina! My goodness! But yeah, it all sounds so perfect. Better than my sister who left her soulmate to marry a guy she could never love as much, or my other sister who may soon lose her soulmate to black magic. Yeah, I got a pretty good deal. Too bad I don't believe in psychics.

...Oh what marvelous things, but they are, they are, they are giving me the creeps...

"If I Could Go"

---I love Angie Martinez---

Okay, no I don't. I know one song by her, and I really like it, but not enough for me to look her up, so I bet the rest of her songs suck. Just saying.

My sister is visiting, and she's amazing. Like the person that I like best in my family, other than my cat. She's like one of the best people in my life. She's the farthest from flawess, but that's part of her charm. She's actually one of the most flawed people I know, but she's strong. Digressing, as usual. The point is, she's here, and that's good. But with everything good, there are always some downsides. The most unbearable from me is her judging. She thinks she can judge me, and it's driving me crazy. Her little comments, it's drives me crazy. Not as much as The Frog, of course, but it makes me hate myself even more.

You should be studying.

-You're right, but it's hopeless at this point.

Don't say that, think positive. Besides you HAVE to pass.

-I realize that, but I've been studying all day.

Sure you have...

You shouldn't associate yourself with people like that.

-He makes me happy.

You know he stopped talking to you because you bore him.

-Yeah, I realize that....

You shouldn't blog, it's so pointless.

-I would diary, but you kinda took that from me when you read it.

Okay, that was harsh. She didn't take it from me. But dude, she just sweeps in and judges my entire way of life.

I feel suffocated. My room is my space, and I love spending time with her, but sometimes I need time alone, and my room is MY space. I'm used to having nobody in there for more than like 5 or 10 minutes, then I get all claustophobic, but she doesn't get that. She stays in my room on the laptop for hours, and it just makes me feel all clustered. If we could just move the laptop into her room and do that exact same thing, I'm fine, just my room, it's mine, I don't want anyone in there... maybe it's because it's the darkest room in the house, and the smallest. I did that on purpose, it makes me feel safe when I'm alone. But that doesn't work when she is there invading it.

Oh, and dude, on the phone yesterday! Arrrggghhhh!!!! I can't believe she'd say all that while I was on the phone with him. I don't talk about him with almost anyone, but when she asks direct questions I can't lie to her. She always knows. She can always tell. So, she knows about him. But I don't want him to know that. I don't want him to know that I talk about him. How weird is that? Very weird.

And as the summer approaches, I feel that same anxiousness as always. My future seems so uncertain. It feels like everything is moving so slow in my life, while at the same time, life is just zooming by and I'm missing out on EVERYTHING. I just want things to start already.

It scares me that I'm losing her sooner than I thought. I don't want her to go yet. I really don't want her to go yet. I counted on this summer, and now it just feels like it's been snatched away.

But this is nothing to sweat over now. Life is good.

Life is good.

...If I could go with you, contigo, I'll pack my things, soon as you say, Baby vamos, we'll fly away, like there is no, no tomorrow...

"We Love Like Vampires"

---I love Sparks the Rescue---

AND I LOVE THAT SONG, jsyk.

I don't know why I want to be alone so badly, when I love you so much. But all humanity, even the good kind, they make me itch. I just don't want to be at all.

So, I make a line, watch it bubble, suck it up, wipe it up, wait for it to refill the line, and taste it again. Can vampires drink their own blood? Wait, no. Only freaks do that.

It's been a while. It's always been a while. But the illusion of never again is gone now. Just for now.

"Eight Easy Steps"

---I love Alanis Morissette---

Study, study, study.

There's nothing else.

But none of it matters.

But don't tell them that.

None of it matters.

I want it.

So badly.

So badly.

So badly.

...How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself...

"What's with all the happy music?"
~i guess it's not just me. i guess they really don't see or hear anything at all. their entire world is distorted. everything is distorted.


TAKE ME HOME, I'D RATHER DIE THAN BE WITH YOU.
This happens everytime, I knew it would.

Sometimes my words aren't my own.


Now, where is your head Ms. Turtle?

Leave me alone, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Goddammit, I didn't mean that. Come back now. I mean it. Come back! Please come back. PLEASE.

How the hell could you screw this all up again? You can't do anything right. You screw EVERYTHING up. I hate you. I hate you. You stupid little...

I just CAN'T be myself right now.

Let me out of my skin. Let me out. Let me out.

Those damn teenagers.

Now, where is your head? Where is your pretty, little mind at?

Eat me alive.

Study, study, study darling. Test time is soon.

=)