---I love Silverstein---
I thought we were having a real moment here
But you did what you do and you've let me down
So let's just flash back to the moment we were faking
And I'll pretend I didn't listen to every breath and sigh.
Because even at that part when I'm on the ground shaking
I'll keep pretending that you never made me cry.
So, yeah, I think it's pretty funny that I was inspired to write that one by an episode of Sonny with a Chance. Just like me, huh?
Okay, so dude, I lied about who I was talking to yesterday. I was talking to him. For 2 hours. Well, 2 hours and 9 minutes. I lie to you more than you think that I do. I'm not sure whether or not I'm sorry yet. Ha, if it makes you feel better you're the person that I'm second most honest with. I don't know what happened that made that change from last year, but I guess it's because this year you're not the only person anymore. I'm scared of losing you. But when we're together, hanging out, out of school, it feels like that's never gonna happen. When we're together, hanging out, out of school.
So, you called me a close-minded, cold-hearted bitch then you ask me out. Nice. Did you really think I would say yes? Seriously? Hahaha, you should know by now, I don't feel sorry for you. You can't make me feel sorry for you.
How can someone who is so much in their own world see me so easily? And how can you be so blind? I miss when we used to talk.
Oh, and she read my notebook. My pretty, red one. The one that I'm working on covering with stickers and tickets stubs and campiagning memorabilia. She read it. Every song, every doodle, every word. She used to be so flawless. Did I just imagine that? Why do you always disappoint me? EVERY song, EVERY doodle, EVERY song. She said I was good writer, but I was dark, which really isn't her thing. She prefers to live in the world of flowers and butterflies and beautiful smiles. Of perfection? She made me promise that the next song I would write is a love song. When should I tell her I don't believe in "love"? At least I don't believe in what she thinks of as love, because although she's much older, my eyes are actually open, and I know now that THAT version doesn't exist. I guess I'll try to write a feel-good song. A love song. With butterflies. I bet you would like that. I bet. Oh, and by the way, you don't really believe that is about vampires, do you?
Vocabulary of the Day:
cynical-bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic (am i?)
close-minded- intolerant of the beliefs and opinions of others; stubbornly unreceptive to new ideas (am i?)
cold-hearted- lacking sympathy or feeling; indifferent; unkind. (am i?)
bitch- a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person. (am i?)
I think I forgot who I really am. Have I just been faking for that long, or do "I" even exist yet? I wish you were still here to remind me who I really am.
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when you say you were talking to him, do you mean the person you named in the car? or someone else? i don't see why you'd need to lie about that, but to each their own... as for lying about other things, i guess i'm not surprised. i've been acting like a vegetable lately. i know i'm unresponsive. and i know that you've got other people besides me. it's okay. i think i make it easy for people to lie to me anyways. i'm too gullible, easily convinced, and i'm not a very interrogative person. i mean... honestly... if i don't figure out that you're lying, and you don't feel sorry about it, what's the harm? that's a terrible mindset to have, but unfortunately i have it. it doesn't make me trust you any less.
ReplyDeleteand you writing a feel-good song wouldn't make me happy. because it's not you. it's not your thing. but really? flowers and butterflies and beautiful smiles? do i really come across THAT superficial? dark lyrics might not be my thing, but that doesn't mean i don't appreciate them. i know lately i haven't responded to a lot of your work. i said earlier... it's because i've become a vegetable. and you don't need to believe in love. it doesn't make a difference to me. because even though love is a nice idea, it's not like i'm striving for it.
but whatever. i'm... i'm not terribly shocked by all of this. i don't want to apologize either, because i know sorry doesn't do anything. and on top of that, i don't think i could figure out exactly what i'm apologizing for.
Lol, yes I mean the person I named in the car, and I guess I feel like I should lie about that because I'm ashamed. That's usually the reason people pretty much lie about anything, right?
ReplyDeleteAnd dude, that rant, about the butterflies and love and crap, that wasn't about you AT ALL. It was about the eldest of the frog's spawn... if that makes any sense.
Each paragraph is about a different person. Now that I'm rereading it, that's not really obvious, so I can see why you would think all of it (except the cold-hearted bitch one) was about you. But it wasn't. This is about four different people, so don't read too much into the other ones.
So how are we?
lol that was a fail at my understanding skills then... and yeah, the eldest of the frog's spawn... it makes sense. my bad.
ReplyDeletewe're totally fine. this doesn't change anything. and don't worry about losing me. i'm still closest to you than anyone else.
true that. even though i lie about some things, you still know all of my dirtiest secrets, even the ones i don't want to admit to myself (Paris), and hopefully it'll always be that way. I mean, it's once in a lifetime that a girl finds her brain twin!
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