I've never felt lonelier or more ashamed than I do. Why can't I ever just do what's best for myself, instead of just repeating my mistakes? Just more of the same, the same desires, dissatisfactions, choices. It's all the same.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Vacation...
So, I'm going out of town for two weeks. We'll see how this goes. I'm not particularly excited, but I'm sure when we get there, it'll be great. I just can't shake this weird bad feeling like this is the calm before the storm. Well, let's just pray I get home in one piece and everything will work out well for Warped Tour. Well, anyway, vacation means very limited (basically no) internet connection, and limited phone use as well. I'm not complaining, just saying. Feeling like I'm being zapped back to the 90s. Jkjk.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Mostly Useless
I wanted to mark my progress.
Done:
Day 6 - A stranger
Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 25 - The person you know is going through the worst of times
Day 29 - The person you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid to.
Left To Do:
Day 1 - Your Best Friend
Day 2 - Your Crush
Day 3 - Your parents
Day 4 - Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 - Your Dreams
Day 7 - Your Ex-Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Crush/Love
Day 8 - Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 - Someone You Wish You Could Meet
Day 11 - A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To
Day 12 - The Person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15- The person you miss the most
Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood
Day 18 - The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad
Day 20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 - The last person you kissed
Day 24 - The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 - Someone that changed your life
Day 30 - Your reflection in the mirror
Done:
Day 6 - A stranger
Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 25 - The person you know is going through the worst of times
Day 29 - The person you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid to.
Left To Do:
Day 1 - Your Best Friend
Day 2 - Your Crush
Day 3 - Your parents
Day 4 - Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 - Your Dreams
Day 7 - Your Ex-Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Crush/Love
Day 8 - Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 - Someone You Wish You Could Meet
Day 11 - A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To
Day 12 - The Person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15- The person you miss the most
Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood
Day 18 - The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad
Day 20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 - The last person you kissed
Day 24 - The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 - Someone that changed your life
Day 30 - Your reflection in the mirror
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Tired, Just Tired
I'm tired of people just giving up. It's all becoming too much. Sometimes I just wish I could just sit in my closet all damn day. Give up on them for a change. But it wouldn't make a difference. I've been giving up for a while now. I'm just tired of this. I guess I'm too much of spoiled brat to realize that I should be waking up.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Day 29 Letter
Excuse me miss,
You do this for a living, don't you? So, you must know what you're doing. I put so much faith in you. I wanted you to save me. But I still hurt so badly. And you can't do anything now. I wanted help. I needed it so badly, but I can't ask anymore. I can't ask for it now. Why couldn't you fix me?
You do this for a living, don't you? So, you must know what you're doing. I put so much faith in you. I wanted you to save me. But I still hurt so badly. And you can't do anything now. I wanted help. I needed it so badly, but I can't ask anymore. I can't ask for it now. Why couldn't you fix me?
Day 6 Letter
Hey you,
You think it's okay to look at me and judge me. Because of people like you, I feel like I have to be so damn careful about myself. Because of people like you, I used to hate myself and where I came from. Do you know what it's like to feel like you're not good enough because of how you look? To feel like you're not worthy. Because of people like you, I have to write a damn book, and honestly, that wouldn't even be difficult BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU. I understand that you must feel pain, or hear things constantly, a coping mechanism for things you don't understand, and I try to justify your actions with that, but it still hurts. I can't believe that because of people like you, I can't even stop at a damn red light, without a bunch of kids in the school bus in front of me yelling things at me, making fun of me for being a "towelhead", oh, and having my life-threatened on the schoolbus, and if I hear the words, "they're so uneducated, he's not even Muslim" I'm gonna be pissed. Sure, you shouldn't stare at the Indian guy thinking he's a terrorist, and sure you're stupid cuz he's not Muslim, but just because I am, doesn't mean I'm any more deserving to be discriminated against. My mom won't even let me wear a head scarf in public, because she's scared of how people will treat me. I still can't feel comfortable looking at myself in the mirror, or wondering what people are thinking of me and my family, but I'm stronger now. So, when you hear me make terrorist jokes about myself, don't think it makes it okay. It's not. But this is who I am now, who I have to be, because if I can't make light out of it, I would barely be able to make it through a day. I will never be a blue eyed, blonde Barbie doll, but I'm also not a side-show freak, so you there, stop making me feel worse about myself, because you don't know me. You don't know my decisions. And no matter who you think you are, you will never understand what I've been through because of people like you.
You think it's okay to look at me and judge me. Because of people like you, I feel like I have to be so damn careful about myself. Because of people like you, I used to hate myself and where I came from. Do you know what it's like to feel like you're not good enough because of how you look? To feel like you're not worthy. Because of people like you, I have to write a damn book, and honestly, that wouldn't even be difficult BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU. I understand that you must feel pain, or hear things constantly, a coping mechanism for things you don't understand, and I try to justify your actions with that, but it still hurts. I can't believe that because of people like you, I can't even stop at a damn red light, without a bunch of kids in the school bus in front of me yelling things at me, making fun of me for being a "towelhead", oh, and having my life-threatened on the schoolbus, and if I hear the words, "they're so uneducated, he's not even Muslim" I'm gonna be pissed. Sure, you shouldn't stare at the Indian guy thinking he's a terrorist, and sure you're stupid cuz he's not Muslim, but just because I am, doesn't mean I'm any more deserving to be discriminated against. My mom won't even let me wear a head scarf in public, because she's scared of how people will treat me. I still can't feel comfortable looking at myself in the mirror, or wondering what people are thinking of me and my family, but I'm stronger now. So, when you hear me make terrorist jokes about myself, don't think it makes it okay. It's not. But this is who I am now, who I have to be, because if I can't make light out of it, I would barely be able to make it through a day. I will never be a blue eyed, blonde Barbie doll, but I'm also not a side-show freak, so you there, stop making me feel worse about myself, because you don't know me. You don't know my decisions. And no matter who you think you are, you will never understand what I've been through because of people like you.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Tales of Packrat...
...going through one of my old notebooks I find this...
Every day, every day, every day
She cries, she cries, she cries
Every day, every day, every day
She'll try, she'll try, she tries
They all expect her to be nice and warm all of the time
All they're really doing is making her cold inside her heart
She wants to block them out, so she just pulls away
Now she's just like them, and that's the saddest part.
She will dance and act like ti's okay
And she will twirl to get out of this place
She will sing and hope it sets her free
She can draw because she knows you'll never see
It's just impossible to learn how to believe.
I can't believe I wrote this. It's so pointless. For so long, I was one of those girls.
Every day, every day, every day
She cries, she cries, she cries
Every day, every day, every day
She'll try, she'll try, she tries
They all expect her to be nice and warm all of the time
All they're really doing is making her cold inside her heart
She wants to block them out, so she just pulls away
Now she's just like them, and that's the saddest part.
She will dance and act like ti's okay
And she will twirl to get out of this place
She will sing and hope it sets her free
She can draw because she knows you'll never see
It's just impossible to learn how to believe.
I can't believe I wrote this. It's so pointless. For so long, I was one of those girls.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Day 25 Letter
Dear You,
You think that no one really wants you, and maybe that's sorta true, but it's really not your fault, even if we all act like it is. You're the easiest target, a scape goat really, and that causes resentment, but I'm sure that even if you can understand, it's really no worthy excuse. I wish that I, or anyone, could save you, carry you to the land of butterflies and flowers, stress-free, the way it's supposed to be, but I can't. We can't. You're too guarded, too tangled, deep in all the hate, and the selfishness, and the pain that we don't know how to fight through to get to you. So, there you are, almost lost to us. A shame really.
.Turtle.
You think that no one really wants you, and maybe that's sorta true, but it's really not your fault, even if we all act like it is. You're the easiest target, a scape goat really, and that causes resentment, but I'm sure that even if you can understand, it's really no worthy excuse. I wish that I, or anyone, could save you, carry you to the land of butterflies and flowers, stress-free, the way it's supposed to be, but I can't. We can't. You're too guarded, too tangled, deep in all the hate, and the selfishness, and the pain that we don't know how to fight through to get to you. So, there you are, almost lost to us. A shame really.
.Turtle.
Can old dogs learn new tricks?
People could be so much happier if they could learn to just let some things go. Some things are important and life-changing, I realize that, but most things that people stress over are so useless, just a waste of time. Stop being so negetive, please, it rubs off on everyone around you when we just want to enjoy ourselves.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
"Fear of Flying"
---I love A Rocket to the Moon---
Lately it seems like I have more regret than anything else. Maybe I should just let things go, but I can't, so I'm just filled with regret. In searching for so much more I miss what's in front of me. I've stolen this from my brain twin, but just like her, I don't follow rules. I wonder what we'll learn from Ms. Turtle.
30Letters: 30 Days
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Lately it seems like I have more regret than anything else. Maybe I should just let things go, but I can't, so I'm just filled with regret. In searching for so much more I miss what's in front of me. I've stolen this from my brain twin, but just like her, I don't follow rules. I wonder what we'll learn from Ms. Turtle.
30Letters: 30 Days
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Friday, May 28, 2010
"Mouth Shut"
---I love The Veronicas---
It's supposed to be hard to keep secrets, but when it's something you're ashamed of, it can sometimes be the easiest thing in the world.
Shame is different than guilt. Guilt indicates regret. It spills from your lips, begs to be drained from your pores, so you can be rid of it. You genuinely wish the act that has created it had never been commited. A secret drenched in guilt is the hardest to keep, because something within you just wants to expell it. Let it be gone forever, let it never be back. Shame is different than guilt.
Shame is different than guilt. Shame leads to awkward silences, no words at all. Shame is desire. When guilt begs to be freed, shame wants to fade and hide away. No words, no words. Shame is the secret, so by not speaking, the secret is not created, it is maintained. What is shame? What? So naive now? You've felt it. Something so wrong, you knwo you shouldn't have done it, thought it, felt it, but honestly, something in you enjoys it, or doesn't want it to change. You know it's wrong, but you don't feel it, you can't convince yourself to believe it. If you want it so bad, and it feels so good, why is it wrong? Why should you stop? If you know it was the only option, and you wouldn't take it back, why is it wrong? Why confess? If it's so wrong, but you believe in it so much, what's wrong with you?
So this one is all my own. A guilty pleasure so deep, it's not for my brain twin, not for Nadine. For me and for God. I don't want to give it up, and He knows where it ends, so no need for sharing now. For now, it's just our little secret.
...You thought you knew me but you don't, you say you'll love me but you wont, when you find out who I am...
It's supposed to be hard to keep secrets, but when it's something you're ashamed of, it can sometimes be the easiest thing in the world.
Shame is different than guilt. Guilt indicates regret. It spills from your lips, begs to be drained from your pores, so you can be rid of it. You genuinely wish the act that has created it had never been commited. A secret drenched in guilt is the hardest to keep, because something within you just wants to expell it. Let it be gone forever, let it never be back. Shame is different than guilt.
Shame is different than guilt. Shame leads to awkward silences, no words at all. Shame is desire. When guilt begs to be freed, shame wants to fade and hide away. No words, no words. Shame is the secret, so by not speaking, the secret is not created, it is maintained. What is shame? What? So naive now? You've felt it. Something so wrong, you knwo you shouldn't have done it, thought it, felt it, but honestly, something in you enjoys it, or doesn't want it to change. You know it's wrong, but you don't feel it, you can't convince yourself to believe it. If you want it so bad, and it feels so good, why is it wrong? Why should you stop? If you know it was the only option, and you wouldn't take it back, why is it wrong? Why confess? If it's so wrong, but you believe in it so much, what's wrong with you?
So this one is all my own. A guilty pleasure so deep, it's not for my brain twin, not for Nadine. For me and for God. I don't want to give it up, and He knows where it ends, so no need for sharing now. For now, it's just our little secret.
...You thought you knew me but you don't, you say you'll love me but you wont, when you find out who I am...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
"Misfit"
---I love Lesley Roy---
Best friends one minute, acquaintances the next. Who am I to you?
"Maybe it's a good thing that you have no connections with any of them, it'll make the transition easier." I don't want my mom to think I have no friends, just another socially retarded freak. I hate never being able to "fit in". Forget being unique, forget having more substance, forget being real, they have so much I don't. "But.... but... so may people signed your yearbook, that's not the mark of a girl with no friends." I finally understand why they say 'ignorance is bliss', I wish I could be blind.
At least I have her sometimes. Sometimes. But all that they say, the constant fly in my ear, all that I can see around me, it makes me paranoid, untrusting. What are your motives? What do you want from me? They all have their ideas.
Unwanted, unloveable, unbeautiful, that's all they say to me.
But alas, this is the curse of the outsider, the black sheep, the misunderstood. Hahaha, only Carrie understands me. But I'm not one to spill blood... well, not anyone else's anyway.
I look in the mirror and I want to destroy the misfit looking back at me; it's not her fault, she can't help it.
Best friends one minute, acquaintances the next. Who am I to you?
"Maybe it's a good thing that you have no connections with any of them, it'll make the transition easier." I don't want my mom to think I have no friends, just another socially retarded freak. I hate never being able to "fit in". Forget being unique, forget having more substance, forget being real, they have so much I don't. "But.... but... so may people signed your yearbook, that's not the mark of a girl with no friends." I finally understand why they say 'ignorance is bliss', I wish I could be blind.
At least I have her sometimes. Sometimes. But all that they say, the constant fly in my ear, all that I can see around me, it makes me paranoid, untrusting. What are your motives? What do you want from me? They all have their ideas.
Unwanted, unloveable, unbeautiful, that's all they say to me.
But alas, this is the curse of the outsider, the black sheep, the misunderstood. Hahaha, only Carrie understands me. But I'm not one to spill blood... well, not anyone else's anyway.
I look in the mirror and I want to destroy the misfit looking back at me; it's not her fault, she can't help it.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
"Forget December"
---I love Something Corporate---
My head hurts really bad. REALLY BAD. I feel nauseous and just drained beyond belief. Haha, maybe you're right, maybe it's good she counts her pills. When it's like this, I can't handle it. I don't know how to take care of myself. So I lay there, on the kitchen floor, just trying to find the strength to pick myself up. I wish my household had a mute button. I think I would be a whole lot healthier if I could drown all of it out once in a while. They say I don't listen to anything they say, but it's not true. I try to listen, but then it all just hurts. They say things that hurt. And they yell, and they're just all so loud. They say my screamo music is bad, they should hear themselves. Now, that is something to scramble the brains. And they never hear me. How is that fair? I want to tell them things, but they don't hear me. THEY NEVER LISTEN. How can they know me, when they never listen? I wish I could find a mute button. Instead, I try to drown it out, and it drains me, and I find myself fallling asleep at 6pm, when I should be studying. Maybe it's better if I'm the only one who's quiet tonight.
...and if I'm talking, my words are mocking the deaf ears they have fallen on...
My head hurts really bad. REALLY BAD. I feel nauseous and just drained beyond belief. Haha, maybe you're right, maybe it's good she counts her pills. When it's like this, I can't handle it. I don't know how to take care of myself. So I lay there, on the kitchen floor, just trying to find the strength to pick myself up. I wish my household had a mute button. I think I would be a whole lot healthier if I could drown all of it out once in a while. They say I don't listen to anything they say, but it's not true. I try to listen, but then it all just hurts. They say things that hurt. And they yell, and they're just all so loud. They say my screamo music is bad, they should hear themselves. Now, that is something to scramble the brains. And they never hear me. How is that fair? I want to tell them things, but they don't hear me. THEY NEVER LISTEN. How can they know me, when they never listen? I wish I could find a mute button. Instead, I try to drown it out, and it drains me, and I find myself fallling asleep at 6pm, when I should be studying. Maybe it's better if I'm the only one who's quiet tonight.
...and if I'm talking, my words are mocking the deaf ears they have fallen on...
Life Path 6...
Sixes are nurturers. If men, they rescue damsels in distress. If women, they mother the "little boy" in their men. They should manage or run the company. If every thing is going smoothly, they must be careful not to ruin it. They tend to put people on pedestals which then topple. Magnetic. People are drawn to them. Their moods affect the room.
Yeah, I don't think so. Numerology sucks. =P
Yeah, I don't think so. Numerology sucks. =P
Sunday, May 16, 2010
"Jenny"
---I love The Click 5---
I know it's wrong, that I'm supposed to like my unique-ness, my dark skin, my mysterious eyes, my thick, killer hair, my spicy nature, etcetc, but darn, sometimes I really do wish I were white. The skinny, pretty one with blonde hair and blue eyes, that can actually shop at Charlotte Russe and fit into the dresses (blonde hair/blue eyes optional). The girl that, in theory, should blend in, since she and all her friends look like clones, but actually shines. I know it's wrong, but sometimes I get tired of the terrorist jokes, the random kids on buses who yell towelhead out the window, the constant questions and walking on eggshells, my burnt color, the dark pits of despair tht show no character behind my lashes, the frizzy mess I have to straighten constantly just to keep it from knotting, and everyone saying I'm different, that I don't belong.
We're all so quiet, we're all so quiet. Until we can't be. I always say that I wish I could be the silent one, but I can't be. I just explode with words and thoughts. I dislike that about me.
I can barely even remember being 17.
I love going through Facebook and finding tagged pictures of yourself you never even knew existed.
IB kids are awesome. This is when my Biology class decided to arrange ourselves into a color scale last year. =D
Wacky Tacky Day. =D
The last day of classes this year. =D
Friday, May 14, 2010
"Black Magic Woman"
---I love Santana---
ihop= international house of pancakes, who would've thought?
Worried, panicked, confused? Well, how about I make it worse? Take advantage of you when you're down? Don't worry, it's chill. I work with God. *when*i*say*godblessyou*do*you*feel*secure*?*
All this talk about black magic and dark auras is freaking me out. I mean, I want s
omething to believe in. Anything. Things aren't getting fixed fast enough. That's prolly why I bought in so easily to the idea of medication. I just want relief. But nothing is ever followed through, and I'm always left stuck. I want to believe, I really want to believe, but I can't, so I just check out. I just go somewhere else, let them blame it on my youth. "I can't advise you, I'm just a child." I don't know what to believe, but I need something. I'm not looking for religion, I've got that. At least, I have enough of what I need, but that doesn't help with this. I'm too impatient. So, I don't know what to do, or say.
...She got me so blind, I can't see, but she's a black magic woman and she's trying to make a devil out of me...
ihop= international house of pancakes, who would've thought?
Worried, panicked, confused? Well, how about I make it worse? Take advantage of you when you're down? Don't worry, it's chill. I work with God. *when*i*say*godblessyou*do*you*feel*secure*?*
All this talk about black magic and dark auras is freaking me out. I mean, I want s
omething to believe in. Anything. Things aren't getting fixed fast enough. That's prolly why I bought in so easily to the idea of medication. I just want relief. But nothing is ever followed through, and I'm always left stuck. I want to believe, I really want to believe, but I can't, so I just check out. I just go somewhere else, let them blame it on my youth. "I can't advise you, I'm just a child." I don't know what to believe, but I need something. I'm not looking for religion, I've got that. At least, I have enough of what I need, but that doesn't help with this. I'm too impatient. So, I don't know what to do, or say....She got me so blind, I can't see, but she's a black magic woman and she's trying to make a devil out of me...
Monday, May 10, 2010
So...
I was watching the Can't Be Tamed video by Miley Cyrus. Who's gonna tell her she looks like an idiot? I mean, I get what she's trying to do, but the poor girl kinda failed. Majorly. She says that she can't be changed, so why does this video remind me of something later Britney mixed with Lady Gaga, then innocentcized just a bit? We might not know Miley, but she doesn't seem to either.
Oh, and on this whole celebrity topic, I turn on MTV, and see those Aly and AJ girls giving their dog low-lights. Wtf? Seriously? That HAS to be unhealthy for the poor dog.
Oh, and just so you know, Michael Buble and Bubba Sparxxx are currently tied for creepiest white guys I've witnessed.
I always feel so bad for those teen moms on Maury. Oh, but their voices do get so annoying. I wonder if anything ever changes if he says you are the dad.
Holy shit, Bubba Sparxxx just won. He looks like Scheloske.
Oh, and on this whole celebrity topic, I turn on MTV, and see those Aly and AJ girls giving their dog low-lights. Wtf? Seriously? That HAS to be unhealthy for the poor dog.
Oh, and just so you know, Michael Buble and Bubba Sparxxx are currently tied for creepiest white guys I've witnessed.
I always feel so bad for those teen moms on Maury. Oh, but their voices do get so annoying. I wonder if anything ever changes if he says you are the dad.
Holy shit, Bubba Sparxxx just won. He looks like Scheloske.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Just answer me this...
What makes them so worth it, when I'm not? Why are they so damn special?
Oh, sweetie, you look like walking death.
Oh, sweetie, you look like walking death.
"Marvelous Things"
---I love Eisley---
"I love you"
*awkward*silence*
"Let's just pretend you didn't say that"
"No. I love you, Alyssa"
I hate when people use those naughty words.
Yesterday I was excited. Today, I'm not.
So, this morning I gave my mom her mother's day gift, and she cried, in a good way. She's truly dreading next year. No one wants to be alone.
I went to a psychic last night. It was intense. She says I have a dark aura, that I was born with a very light one but it's darkened over the years, but I can fix that, and that my life will be wonderful. It sounds amazing. Once I get my career going, money will never be a problem, I'll meet my soulmate, he'll be financially well off, I'll only marry once and have four kids (3 boys and a girl). It sounds nice. It sounds so different from my life now. So normal and perfect and pleasant. She said that as soon as I get there with not much trouble Mount Holyoke will become my home. I will fit in and find friends, and be happy. I just need to fix my damn aura. She said that I'm a sensitive person. I care more about others than myself. I want to help everyone but will never ask for help. I internalize things way too easily. That I make everyone else's problems my own. That I'm a natural born worrier. I never talk about what's wrong, and that bubbles within me, causing me to have a lot of anger. I don't trust people, and won't let them in, and because I put up such a wall, people back down, making me believe that no one loves me or that I'm unloveable, but that's untrue. I'm filled with insecurity and all the worst problems in my life come from within. I'll always have a rocky relationship with my mother, but we'll work through that. I'll have a falling out with someone in my family, but despite this, I'll be happier without them in my life. And, all those guys in my life I get bored of? It's actually a good thing. See, it doesn't matter that I go through guys so easily, moving from one to the next, because none of them really matter bcuz none are my soulmate. It's okay to have fun. Oh, and there's a shy boy who has his eye on me. He's not my soulmate, but I should give him a chance for now. In the future, the way that I know that my soulmate has truly be found is because it happens naturally, and I'm not scared. I'll die of old age. I have nothing to worry about. Everything will work out.
I personally think I've gotten quite a good deal here. I mean, other than the popping out four aliens out of my vagina! My goodness! But yeah, it all sounds so perfect. Better than my sister who left her soulmate to marry a guy she could never love as much, or my other sister who may soon lose her soulmate to black magic. Yeah, I got a pretty good deal. Too bad I don't believe in psychics.
...Oh what marvelous things, but they are, they are, they are giving me the creeps...
"I love you"
*awkward*silence*
"Let's just pretend you didn't say that"
"No. I love you, Alyssa"
I hate when people use those naughty words.
Yesterday I was excited. Today, I'm not.
So, this morning I gave my mom her mother's day gift, and she cried, in a good way. She's truly dreading next year. No one wants to be alone.
I went to a psychic last night. It was intense. She says I have a dark aura, that I was born with a very light one but it's darkened over the years, but I can fix that, and that my life will be wonderful. It sounds amazing. Once I get my career going, money will never be a problem, I'll meet my soulmate, he'll be financially well off, I'll only marry once and have four kids (3 boys and a girl). It sounds nice. It sounds so different from my life now. So normal and perfect and pleasant. She said that as soon as I get there with not much trouble Mount Holyoke will become my home. I will fit in and find friends, and be happy. I just need to fix my damn aura. She said that I'm a sensitive person. I care more about others than myself. I want to help everyone but will never ask for help. I internalize things way too easily. That I make everyone else's problems my own. That I'm a natural born worrier. I never talk about what's wrong, and that bubbles within me, causing me to have a lot of anger. I don't trust people, and won't let them in, and because I put up such a wall, people back down, making me believe that no one loves me or that I'm unloveable, but that's untrue. I'm filled with insecurity and all the worst problems in my life come from within. I'll always have a rocky relationship with my mother, but we'll work through that. I'll have a falling out with someone in my family, but despite this, I'll be happier without them in my life. And, all those guys in my life I get bored of? It's actually a good thing. See, it doesn't matter that I go through guys so easily, moving from one to the next, because none of them really matter bcuz none are my soulmate. It's okay to have fun. Oh, and there's a shy boy who has his eye on me. He's not my soulmate, but I should give him a chance for now. In the future, the way that I know that my soulmate has truly be found is because it happens naturally, and I'm not scared. I'll die of old age. I have nothing to worry about. Everything will work out.
I personally think I've gotten quite a good deal here. I mean, other than the popping out four aliens out of my vagina! My goodness! But yeah, it all sounds so perfect. Better than my sister who left her soulmate to marry a guy she could never love as much, or my other sister who may soon lose her soulmate to black magic. Yeah, I got a pretty good deal. Too bad I don't believe in psychics.
...Oh what marvelous things, but they are, they are, they are giving me the creeps...
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