---I love Lisa Hannigan---
Today is my last official day as a child. I'm surprised I've made it here. So are you excited to be turning 18? Why would I be? Nothing changes. What can I do? Buy cigarettes? Yeah, perfect, just another bad habit to fall into, to destroy my body with. Buy lotto tickets? I'm an unlucky girl. Get porn? ...hmm, that might be a plus side... just kidding... But now you have more control over your life and what you get to do. No more asking permission for parties and such. Is you serious? Something must be wrong with you, because that's not how it works in the real world. Okay, that's a lie. Alot of my friend's parents are like that. You turn 18, you're an adult, you do what you want. Not for me. NOTHING CHANGES.
Tease. Whore. Slut. Hobag.
Talked to an old friend. Used to think he was a freak. But even though he's unrealistic and too hopeful for my regular taste, talking to him felt wonderful. Hope he doesn't turn into a M----. That would be bad.
My therapist is retarded. Wait, tht's pretty politically incorrect. She's stupid. That's better, right?
I'm so happy my sister is here. I want to make her trip great. But I can't.
I hate the yelling, the arguing, my anger.
I like scary movies.
I'm not doing homework.
I want someone to talk to.
I'm glad I have you. You know who you are.
Love is overrated.
I want to love and feel it.
I want to hurt, but not just on my skin.
I miss seeing my blood.
I miss you.
Goodnight.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
"Everything We Had"
---I love The Academy Is...---
...you'll think i'm sick when you're done reading this, but I couldn't stop myself from writing it...
It's weird how alike we are, but how completely different at the same time. I am her, and she is me. We're not gay. I love men. She loves dick... and that time I didn't mean the sporting goods store. But like the ying yang we have adopted to be ours, we are exact opposites. It's weird, cuz I finally feel like I'm getting better, and she's gone again. For the first time in a long time, she's the one that's gone. But she's not as pathetic as me. Graceful, but not in a gentle way. But I'm getting better this time. I am getting better...?
They say they're scared for me. That I'm going to kill myself. Can you believe that? I'm going to kill myself. You think I would've known. But my anger, my anxiety, my DEPRESSION is so bad, that they're worried about me. Time is of the essense with these things, you know? Anxiety pills, vitamins, and cheap antidepressants are supposed to drive me to not do something that I didn't even realize that I was going to do. Of course, they are the professionals. My dad says they're con men.
Do you know what lochia is? You don't want to know. Child development class is great!
I'm going to be 18. That means I'm supposed to start lying to my parents. I've decided to give myself a head start with this one.
You know you guys, I was normal for a little while... well normal-er. Things were bearable. I didn't think and feel all these things that makes me such a freak. For months, things were... the way it was supposed to be sorta... but I feel myself going back to that place. For a while, the headaches, constant nausea, the tiredness, followed by sleeplessness, followed by outbursts, followed by crying, followed by cutting, followed by isolation, followed by not caring, followed by caring too much... etcetc, it was gone. I got my grades back up a little. I ... well, things just got better for a while. But now I feel myself lost again. I'm not gone yet, but I'm scared of getting there. I hate being there. I mean, I guess for the last two weeks or so I've been there. Here marks the return of my "up" days and my "down" days, when everything starts to lose control, and I become a unpredictable freak.
=)
(help. please. help me)
...you'll think i'm sick when you're done reading this, but I couldn't stop myself from writing it...
It's weird how alike we are, but how completely different at the same time. I am her, and she is me. We're not gay. I love men. She loves dick... and that time I didn't mean the sporting goods store. But like the ying yang we have adopted to be ours, we are exact opposites. It's weird, cuz I finally feel like I'm getting better, and she's gone again. For the first time in a long time, she's the one that's gone. But she's not as pathetic as me. Graceful, but not in a gentle way. But I'm getting better this time. I am getting better...?
They say they're scared for me. That I'm going to kill myself. Can you believe that? I'm going to kill myself. You think I would've known. But my anger, my anxiety, my DEPRESSION is so bad, that they're worried about me. Time is of the essense with these things, you know? Anxiety pills, vitamins, and cheap antidepressants are supposed to drive me to not do something that I didn't even realize that I was going to do. Of course, they are the professionals. My dad says they're con men.
Do you know what lochia is? You don't want to know. Child development class is great!
I'm going to be 18. That means I'm supposed to start lying to my parents. I've decided to give myself a head start with this one.
You know you guys, I was normal for a little while... well normal-er. Things were bearable. I didn't think and feel all these things that makes me such a freak. For months, things were... the way it was supposed to be sorta... but I feel myself going back to that place. For a while, the headaches, constant nausea, the tiredness, followed by sleeplessness, followed by outbursts, followed by crying, followed by cutting, followed by isolation, followed by not caring, followed by caring too much... etcetc, it was gone. I got my grades back up a little. I ... well, things just got better for a while. But now I feel myself lost again. I'm not gone yet, but I'm scared of getting there. I hate being there. I mean, I guess for the last two weeks or so I've been there. Here marks the return of my "up" days and my "down" days, when everything starts to lose control, and I become a unpredictable freak.
=)
(help. please. help me)
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